What Makes Marriage Difficult?

Marriage becomes difficult when unresolved conflicts linger for days. A good marriage will have conflicts but what becomes unhealthy is when those conflicts never get resolved and then those same issues keep becoming the same point of contention.

Unresolved conflicts hinder intimacy (emotional and sexual) and often give way for a door of temptations to open. Unresolved conflicts often lead to one or both of the partners to develop passive aggressive styles of relating that are cloaked in manipulation and control. Bitterness will be rooted.

It's important for both a husband and a wife to learn how to make the issue the issue and not the spouse the issue. When a spouse becomes the issue rather than the issue anger, contention and criticism become other operative modes rather than grace, kindness, acceptance and love as seen recently in the case of Jon and Kate.

Sometimes, all that's necessary to resolve a conflict is to learn to listen. Most of the conflicts that Michael and I have had were because neither of us listened. We were quick to make a judgement, take on a hurt and then attack back or shut down and retreat and sulk.

Listening is a skill to be learned and held like a precious gift. And in marriage or any relationship it only takes one person to get the listening process going. May that be you - today.

True listening – has to do with hearing not only the words, but the heart of the words. At the core, listening is seeking to understand rather than be understood. That takes work. It requires that we let go of being right and it requires that we put a pause on all racing thoughts of what to say next or how to defend our position.

Listening - good active listening takes work. It takes hard work. Part of the hard work is about choosing to listen even if he doesn't. It's listening to his voice, his words, his hear and the language he uses.

Listening isn't about agreeing and often we confuse it as that. Listening is about understanding.

I heard a quote recently, "There is not greater lie than a truth misunderstood."

Men speak a different language than women. They are typically linear in thought processes while we as women are integrated which means that we generally integrate feelings and facts at the same time. Everything is connected to everything else.

Men generally have to process facts before facing feelings and women generally – have to process feelings before they can face facts.

Listening is not only a marital bomb de-fuser – but it is a tool for intimacy. A good friend is one who listens and I read once that the basic ingredients for a good marriage – which has sweet intimacy – is friendship plus sex.

Components of intimacy include closeness, bonding, warmth and affection, openness and honesty. If good listening skills aren’t learned and practiced then intimacy has a weak platform on which to develop and thrive.

When listening – avoid mind-reading – don’t assume you know what your husband is thinking or feeling. He’s the author of what he’s saying.

So, go - look your man in the eyes and listen to his heart - not necessarily his words.

What Makes Marriage Difficult?

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2010/04/what-makes-marriage-difficult.html

Is Your Marriage Troubled? 13 Helpful Tips

Proverbs says there is life and death in the power of the tongue, and so if your marriage is in trouble try changing your words.

The words a woman uses in her troubled marriage are the first things that need to be addressed. Here’s some hints to listen for:

1. “We” words are words that reveal being “over responsible.” The “we” has got to go. When a woman uses “we” she is speaking for her husband – men hate that – it gives them NO ownership. “We” is mothering. Change your language to “I”……..
2. “Think” vs. “feel” – when a woman asks her husband what he “feels” – i.e. “What do you feel that we should do about…..?” Believe it or not, most men are sensitive to even the sound of that word. The “feel” word has got to do. Change your language to “think.” Do ask your man, “What do YOU think about…..?” If he says, “I don’t know.” Just get quiet. Go pray and wait and ask for wisdom and discernment. A lot of men walk around with self-pity and a victimization mentality. You’ll not get an answer “today” out of a man who lives in the “I don’t know” realm. Don’t stop using the, “What do YOU think about….? ONE day, he’ll break through and tell you. If he asks you, “What do YOU think about….?” My thinking is if you tell him – he might take your answer and use it as his – and, I know of men who have used it against their wives too. Be the responder/follower that you are. It’s O.K. to say, “I’m not sure what I think – I’m going to pray that God will show YOU how HE wants YOU to lead our family.” That’s just an idea. Also, don’t YOU make a decision for the family.
3. Don’t ask your husband “yes” or “no” questions. That language tends to put anyone in the corner – men will come out fighting – whether passively or aggressively.
4. Don’t lock your spouse into “past” patterns. When you bring up, “you always, you never, or this is a pattern – you lock them in to staying stuck. Love believes all things. Love hopes.
5. Don’t accept unacceptable behavior or words – that also says, “you’re “just” like. . . ” Discover what TO say when an unacceptable, de-dignifying behavior or words are thrown at you. Something like, “I am not going to continue this conversation – it’s devaluing (of course when you use a word like “devaluing” a spouse could take off on that word and make another arena out of it.) You could say, “ I don’t feel safe with this exchange of words. Perhaps another time might be suitable.” You could say, I’m choosing to dis-continue the conversation.”
6. Watch the tone of voice you use when making requests or responding. When a woman is hurt/bitter – sarcasm and sing-songy inflections are likely to be the tone.
7. Make requests – not demands. Requests are in the form of WOULD you vs. COULD you.
8. Become aware of goals – desires. Goal is something you do without anyone’s influence – like you can be a godly wife – whatever your husband does. Desires are something that involves the other person – for example - you desire a great marriage – and that takes two.
9. Become aware of imparting your values and your style of “doing” things – a sanguine might wait till the last minute – a choleric – might just get it done NOW – a random type –will probably struggle doing it in order and sequentially – a phelgmatic – will probably like to do it alone – an extrovert will talk on their feet and an introvert will think and think and think and think and then what they say they mean cause they’ve thought it through and sometimes they’ve thought it through to much.
10. Practice the ABC’s – accept, believe the best (God is big in your husband) and come along side – be a partner (get understanding of your job description and design).
11. Use words like, “Help me understand what you meant when you said……” or “Help me understand what it is ……”
12. Men typically like ‘simple’ words.
13. Be very quick to overlook and forgive when he acknowledges his wrong doing.

What helpful tips do you have?

Is Your Marriage Troubled? 13 Helpful Tips

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2009/11/is-your-marriage-troubled-13-helpful.html

How You Relate To Your Dad = How You Relate To Your Husband

This was posted a year or so ago and after talking to a good friend - I felt it time to do a repost. I imagine someone is stuck with their husband and needs to have a little understanding as to why and perhaps what to do with it. . . meaning. . . resolve with dad has to happen.

Relating to Husband, Relating to Dad

How you related (or didn't relate) to your dad has set you up to how you relate (or didn't relate) to your dad (or don't relate) to your husband. Understanding the patterns of how you related to your dad will help reveal the present patterns of how you relate to your husband or how you will relate to a future husband.

If you related to your dad in an unhealthy way (probably modeled by your mother and haven't yet resolved the past and don't understand the Bible way to do so), then you'll probably have some issues to work through so you can relate to your husband biblically.

Any "unbiblical messages" from dad will be the "grid" in which you operate in your marriage. If these "unbiblical messages" aren't recognized, chances are you might be tearing down your house by emasculating your husband by controlling or mothering him (ignorantly). Perhaps you're stepping into his arenas of God-given responsibilities.

When girls don't get the God-intended building blocks (especially from Dad), they tend to grow up feeling insecure and unprotected. They grow up feeling unacceptable with little value. This girl will become a woman who will potentially struggle with body image, self-nurturing tendencies (shopping, eating), controlling tendencies, or even an imbalanced dependency on men or an imbalanced independence from men. She will most likely look for love in all the wrong places and give herself sexually before marriage.

The precious woman will probably get good at manipulation and control because of the turmoil of hurt and resentment will leave her too vulnerable if she doesn't self-protect through controlling her outside world.

This woman might struggle with competing rather than complementing her husband and thus begin to tear her house down with her own hands (Proverbs 14:1).

She'll tend to marry a man who is passive or passive-aggressive (both angry men) who don't understand let alone live out their biblical manhood job description. It will be an angry marriage where often the relational dynamics are like father/child. She might end up being with a dominate abuser because she isn't aware of her own value and worth as a woman. Her husband doesn't see her as a gift either.

These can be some "rotten fruits" of undealt with father wounds for women. God loves women. He grieves but women struggle with getting there. It's not until someone tells her that she needs to take a look at the inner turmoil that aches in her soul because of some of dad's missing building blocks.

The Fix?
The Fix can be a long, slow one and it's "fixed" through relationships. We get damaged in relationships and we get healed in healing relationships. Women heal with women and men heal with men.

The first steps are to learn what it means to be accepted and loved by God just as we are. We are glorious (yet fallen) Image Bearers. We are cleansed Daughters. It's Jesus that made us beautiful for the Father.

Next in the steps of healing are to be taught right doctrine and to have a right (biblical) view of God, of self, of others. We need to understand how to do relationships biblically.

Women need to understand what appropriate boundaries are, how to rightly respect (and understand the principles on the Princess Pathway, accept others where they are at, believe the best and even release others to grow on their own. I'd also say that a woman needs to see herself as His Princess and she need to learn His dance for her - with Him. That dance is such an anchor in a moment of pain.

Prayer is key to walking a healing path. Journaling is also needed (you can only view this in Explorer). Creating safe places with safe people who will "hear the heart" to undo the blocks around the heart is imperative. In a sense we allow God to give back to us the blocks we didn't get by being in a relationship with safe people and by allowing ourselves to become vulnerable with one or more trusted women who will "hear our case and NOT fix us."

A woman must also take authority back from those she's allowed to define her. Anyone who you seek to "people-please" you'll tend to live by their rules and their yardstick rather than live by Gods. If we don't live by how God defines us, we'll stay stuck. A woman must learn to love and accept herself the way her Abba Father does.

Finally, but definitely not conclusively, a woman must learn about her feminine design and she must understand what her own biblical job description is.

How You Relate To Your Dad = How You Relate To Your Husband

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2009/11/how-you-relate-to-your-dad-how-you.html

Unrealistic Expectations Hinder Good Listening

Did you know that unrealistic expectations hinder good listening? As women, we tend to live in the bubble of "unrealistic expectations" and unfortunately, we often subconsciously place them on our husbands. When we do, they no only hinder good listening, but they hinder intimacy - and all of us long for that connectedness at a deep level.

A few unrealistic exceptations are:

he should think like me,

he should feel like me,

he should act like me and

he should do it within the time frame that I think he should do it – whatever the “do it” might happen to be.

These expectations are unrealistic. They are an internal demand that he measure up. Ultimately they leave a husband, or anyone else feeling unloved, inadequate, cynical, apathetic, or ashamed.

So, what do you do with those unrealistic expectations?

Unrealistic Expectations Hinder Good Listening

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2009/10/unrealistic-expectations-hinder-good.html

The Sad Saga of Jon and Kate - Marriage

As any married person knows - it's hard - at times - really hard being a wife or a husband. It takes work and tenacity and humility and forgiveness and respect and love to endure through those times in marriage where it ain't all roses.

Being Michael's wife has brought me great joy, lots of fun, and many many times of great laughter. We've learned to do things together (and love it): hospitality, remodeling, gardening, playing free cell (he on his lap time and me on mine - which by the way - he usually wins).

It's also been one of the hardest things I've done - learning what it means to be a wife - getting out of myself, discovering my selfish ways, learning how to constantly, creatively communicate and sometimes use words.

I've grown to become his best. And, he's grown to become my best.

We've learned to keep short accounts, not hold a grudge, let go of resentment and basically learned (still learning) how to resolve conflicts quickly so intimacy isn't impeded.

Doing life without my husband is NOT an option for me. It's not about bring me peace - but me learning to let peace rule in my feminine soul in spite of what goes on around me. It's been about me, developing character and getting ready to stand before - on That Day - my audience of One.

I've watched only one show of Jon and Kate Plus Eight but lately have been interested in where the sad saga of their life would end up. Many of you responded when I asked for the advice you'd give this precious couple - for the sake of their precious children.

Thing like this have been posted:

Jon & Kate Plus 8: Suck It Up

Jon and Kate Plus 8: Divorce Reality Style?

"Jon & Kate Plus 8" Continues Ratings Roll

Jon and Kate: Why Do We Relate?

Dickipedia: Jon & Kate Plus 8

Media Faulted for Lack of "Jon and Kate" Coverage

'Jon & Kate Plus 8' Star Fired 40 Staffers In 3 Months

Jon & Kate May Split: She Admits Struggling, He Suspects Affair

'Jon & Kate' Mom 'Completely Ignored' Kids During Trip

What's happened to them - what has happened to us?

The Sad Saga of Jon and Kate - Marriage

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2009/06/sad-saga-of-jon-and-kate-marriage.html

Heal Your Marriage - Show Your Man Respect

When I married my darling husband, I didn't have a clue that one my roles in marriage was to show him (unconditional) respect. I subconsciously created this RESPECT yardstick based on behavior. In my world, Michael needed to jump high enough and be perfect enough to earn my respect. My yardstick of earned respect was based on fear, selfishness and what I thought I needed that he should give to me in this marriage.

You can only imagine what kind of home I built with that attitude toward my husband: one of confusion, conflict and bitterness. I modeled dis-respect with my tone, emotional manipulation and criticisms.

One day, while at lunch with some girlfriends the topic of conversation turned to how kids/teens seemed incredibly disrespectful these days. For some reason, I recalled the subject of respect in that letter which Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus. Specifically, the part in Ephesians 5:33 where Paul wrote, "Wives, see to it that you respect your husbands." jumped out in my mind.

Now, I've read that fifty gazillion times, but for some reason, in that setting, I had what I call a 'holy moment.' The light bulb went on. I realized that all these years I expected my husband to earn respect - by measuring up to my behavioral yardstick of expectations.

This was an awakening for me, because God, through the writer Paul - gave a command to wives, "Wives, see to it that you respect your husbands." This was a wife's "ticket" to her part to make a marriage work - even heal a marriage - even heal a home, a community and today, I say heal a nation.

The respect mentioned in that scripture had nothing to do with a husband earning respect but rather it was about a wife giving her man unconditional respect - because of his position of authority as the head and the leader of our home. His position of ultimately being responsible for how he would guide his wife and children demanded a respect - one that would give him impetus to have good/Godly vision to lead well. (Men, today, often lead by not leading - doesn't remove the fact that they are still positioned to lead and will be - in the end of life - held accountable for how they did so.)

I realizes that "what love is to me - respect is to him." I need love and he needs respect - it's part of how God wired every woman and every man. God's requiring us to give the thing to our spouse that is most difficult for us to do because it's much about developing character and leaving a legacy that matters.

I also realized that it's the role of a wife to model respect in her home - so her children can learn to respect authority. Any wonder why so many children/teens/adults have no clue of respect for authority today? Guess who models that on the home front? I truly believe that a child can't really know God lest they understand how to respect authority.

The need for women to understand this is huge. Our husbands don't earn respect because God says he's to be given it. (There are, however, those relationships where respect is NOT given, but earned)

It's when a wife operates from that premise that God can THEN work a work that can't be un-worked - and actually heal a broken marriage.

If your marriage seems as if it's falling apart, then begin by looking at yourself - not your husband. Don't point the blame/shame/should finger at him. Look at how you are showing him respect.

In order for any marriage to make it today, it's imperative that a wife understand that her husband thrives, needs, requires respect and God says we're the ones to give it. A man needs respect like a woman needs love and when a man doesn't feel that respect coming from his wife, it's an open invitation for him to seek it out elsewhere. In time he will . . .

Lately, the news has been plastered with the sad situation between Jon and Kate Gosselin -- stars of the TLC reality. I have yet to watch one complete episode of the show, but everything I read is that she does nothing but verbal emasculate her husband - disrespect him in front of his children and anyone else. How often I've done that and probably you too?

What are ways you show your husband respect? How do you model respect on your homefront? Does your husband's heart trust you?


Related Posts
It's All About Respect
Step Toward a Stronger Marriage
Loving My Husband - How I Show Respect
Understanding Men

Heal Your Marriage - Show Your Man Respect

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2009/06/heal-your-marriage-show-your-man.html

Marriage Advice for Jon & Kate

The couple in pain.

What advice would you give to Jon & Kate?

12 Reasons Why Wives Refuse to Respect Their Husbands

A Step Toward a Stronger Marriage

Understanding the Man You're Married To

Marriage Advice for Jon & Kate

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2009/05/marriage-advice-for-jon-kate.html

Tomato Plant

My nice tomato plant.

Suckers growing.
Surprised by them.
Pinch them off.
They drain the life from the fruit.
Like - us.
We get suckers.
They surprise us.
They drain the life from our fruit.
They rob us of good life.
They rob us of reward.
Yes - that's my dirty finger :-)

Tomato Plant

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2007/11/tomatoe-plant.html

Loving My Husband

I'm so thankful for my husband and our marriage. We're good . . . (very good) for each other. We bring growth and character and joy into each others lives.

Without Michael, I wouldn't be the woman I am.

He challenges me, encourages me, (and yes, even frustrates me and I him) and yet, it's because of our intimate relationship of love, respect and commitment that we work through, press through and come out on the other side of those hard yet good places even more deeply in love - and crazy about each other.

What do I do to maintain my part of the deal?
I get it - the IT - is that my husband needs respect.

If you are experiencing some of your husband's flesh bursts of anger (whether it's outward or he's gotten silent), it's possible that he's not feeling respected by you or someone else.

Men who aren't being respected tend to knee jerk at anything that comes their way. They'll either express anger with an outburst or they'll shut down and get quiet and have a slow seethe that will come out one day - like an affair.

My husband needs me to admire him, honor him, care for him, speak to him with a gentle and graceful tone. He needs me to believe in him and to seek to understand his vision for our future. He needs me to be patient with him and to remember that he's in process just like I am.

Two Ways I Do This:
One of the key principles in marriage is to keep in mind that God sees my husband really differently than I often do, especially in the moment of frustration or disappointment.

The second principle is to NOT lock your husband into old patterns of the past. Believe the best of him and that he really wants to love you in the way that you need.

Related Posts
1. A Crisis in Masculinity
2. A Little Love Story - Part 1
3. The Power of the Bedroom - Sex Talk
4. Understanding Men - Part 8

Loving My Husband

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2009/03/loving-my-husband.html

A Step Toward a Stronger Marriage

Don't you think it's easy for those little nasty foxes to spoil the vineyard of love. Those little foxes creep in under the fences of the vineyard destroying the root system of the vine. When a root system is destroyed - it takes out the whole vine.

Foxes are a plenty and in order to preserve a marriage, those fox need to be caught and the vineyard protected.

What are the little foxes in marriage?
Little foxes can be any kind of marital stressors like financial difficulties, pre-marital sex, job pressures, physical injuries, pornography, unclear understanding of the biblical role of a husband or wife, lack of good communication skills, un-dealt with past emotional pain, father wounds, male-mother attachment issues, criticalness, the inability to resolve conflicts, exhaustion (sleep deprivation, sickness and . . .

How easy it can be, in this crazy and busy world, to become distant (slowly pulling away) from each other. It's easy to make other things like job, kids, outside pursuits a priority over the priority of a marriage than can sometimes be struggling.

My husband and I have found that not only having a weekly (we try hard at maintaining this) along with a purpose statement for our marriage has helped draw us toward each other rather than away. A purpose statement reminds us of the opportunity to be used by God

Why Develop a One Flesh Purpose Statement
Developing a one flesh purpose statement keeps us on track as we go for reward. We're reminded of our purpose statement which really anchors us to move together, rather than independently - which is can be a tendency of our self-protective, proud flesh.

We've discovered that our purpose statement draws the best out of us individually and it makes us powerful together.

The world is desperate to see a husband and wife love each other, show that respect and honor and actually like being together - serving together, moving together - it's a powerful testimony.

When we got married, God showed us that I (Lylah) was like red and Michael was like blue. Together, we became purple - royal.

Our purpose statement nudges us to move together instead of independently - thus displaying those royal colors to a hurting world. We protect our marriage, seeking to glorify Him as grow in that character.

A Weekly Marriage Staff Meeting
How many office staff have weekly meetings to calendar, discuss issues, have conversation about what needs to be changed and how to do "stuff" better? Most successful ones do.

So, why not have a weekly marriage staff meeting? We've developed a Weekly Marriage Staff Meeting agenda and if you'd like a copy email me at lylahledner@gmail.com.



We discuss finances, calendaring, date needs, individual needs, home front needs of repair and how we can practice hospitality better. It's that time to discuss any areas of neglect too.

Our Marriage Purpose Statement

The Ledner One-Flesh Purpose
We live to partner with or Lord,
expressing His Grace
first to each other
and then to others
seeking the double glory marriage where ever we go,
celebrating others,
opening our hearts and hour home
being willing, available and ready (WAR) to
serve others (and not ourselves) through:
Prayer
Care
and by Sharing
the biblical relationship principles
we have learned and practice.

How do you think this can help your marriage? Here's more encouragement.

A Step Toward a Stronger Marriage

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2009/02/step-toward-stronger-marriage.html

A Crisis in Masculinity - My Husband Says

Re-posted post from November 2007

I’ve heard it said that our national crisis is a consequence of the crisis in the home, and the crisis in the home is a crisis of male leadership. Men are appointed by God to be the authority and to lead their families. My husband says that when a man becomes passive toward leading his family in God’s standards all hell breaks loose.

I love learning from the wisdom of my husband. God has placed him over me to protect me and to teach me (and boy do I need it). In talking to my husband about the authority role given to the man by God, he says that men (generally) have no idea what it is to lead and he believes men (generally) are beaten down, battered, culturalized and paralyzed and that they have not moved into their God-given role as spiritual leaders in their homes, their churches and their communities.

He also says that, 'yes', there are men that have moved into that role, but more men than not, have neither understood nor clothed themselves with being the authority that God has called them to be. They just don’t understand what it means. He says it’s like the spiritual leadership suit is hanging in the closet never having been worn.

My husband says that every man has an eternal task for an eternal reward to do and that a man normally doesn't understand what his purpose is. He says that so many men don’t know what they are here for. They don’t know that this is a battleground, a time of testing, a place to invest in and a race.

God calls the man to be the authority in the home. I asked my husband what does ‘being the authority mean’? He says that it means that the man is the visionary of the home. He says that it means he is the one to pray for God’s vision for his family.

Planning means he must strategize in measurable ways to implement that vision. Then, the man must pursue the vision. Pursuing the vision for the family means he must work and sweat – persevere, provide and protect. He plans with the Lord. And, then walking in that authority, the man will come to the place of praising God for the opportunity to partner with Him as he rejoices in the victory.

He plans - she prays . . . they partner. For more on your man's vision go here.

A Crisis in Masculinity - My Husband Says

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2007/11/my-husband-says.html

10 Things Husbands Want Wives to Know

If your husband gave you a Valentine's Gift List Letter, you can be sure it would look something like this with these 10 Things would be on it.

Dear Darling,

It'd be the best Valentines Gift ever, if you would take to heart the 10 things on this list.

1. Stop trying to change me! Accept me right where I'm at. I'm not perfect. God's not done with me yet. As long as I have breath - there is hope. Listen to me, please stop and listen to me. I might not be speaking with words.

2. Respect me. God put it in my heart to grow and change when I feel respected by you. Ephesians 5:33b. Respect (reverence) means to: adore, defer to, esteem, prefer, value, worship,give high regard for, appreciate, honor, be in awe of, venerate. (If you don't, some other woman will and she'll win his heart.) Please, in public, if I'm telling the "story" wrong, don't correct me. Let it go.

3. Understand that respect to me is like love to you. Understand that respect is: adoring me (even if I'm not perfect), supporting me (even if you're not sure what to support), follow me (even if you're not sure where I'm going - because most of the time, I'm not sure either).

4. Pray for me. I really need prayer. Pray that I become that Mighty Man. I know I can with you getting behind me and supporting me in prayer. I am fully equipped with everything I need, but it's just that sometimes, I'm not sure where all the equipment is. Please pray for me.

5. Please see me as God sees me - believe in me - treat me like a King and I know I'll become one. (Proverbs 12:4) See me as a Mighty Man of Valor . . . one who can DO it, one who can HEAR God, one who can lead well, protect well, conquer well. I do long for your approval. I need to be needed by you. Let me know that you need me.

6. Please stop telling me what to do or how to do it. Be my lover, not my mother. Please stop complaining. I already "feel like a failure" without you adding to it. I already struggle comparing myself to other men. My yardstick is already small. Please stop criticizing me. Criticalness is a heart issue rooted in discontentment – breeds criticalness. Every time you do that, it shuts me down, makes me feel shamed and then I struggle with anger. Sure, I know that's MY issue, but I resent being told what to do and how to do it. I want a wife, not a mother. I don't want to end up bitter towards you. Your criticism is the fast way to blow out our loves flame.

7. Let me OWN the responsibility for our family. God will hold me accountable for it. Stop trying to correct my mistakes, pick up my pieces and fix what's not right. I'll never learn to be responsible IF I don't feel the weight of being responsible.

8. Feed me. When I know you've prepared good food - I know you are honoring me. I love to come home, knowing that you've thought about me during the day. I know this because you take care of me.

9. Please build me up. Encourage me. Greet me with a smile. You just don't know what your smile does for my masculine soul. Please, wipe the sweat off my brow - even if you don't see it.

10. Please take your discontentment and disappointment to God first. Make an appointment with Him first and then if He tells you to talk to me, please do it without anger or emotion. Please make it about you by saying, "It would me a lot to me if you....." I may not hear it initially, but give me time and I will.

Oh, one more....

11. Pray for me - Lylah's Power Prayers for Your Mighty Man is a great tool to use. Get a gift copy here.

10 Things Husbands Want Wives to Know

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2007/11/10-things-husbands-want-wives-to-know.html

Valentine's Breakfast and Other Ideas

I've got a few sweet plans up my sleeve for Michael and I to celebrate the Celebrate Love Day. In the meantime, here's a repost of last years thoughts! What do you have planned?

As this day to celebrate our precious one-flesh union approaches, I'm thinking about the gift to give my musical man.

Gifts should matter to the giver and I've written about what matters to our hubs here and here and then today I visited Fussy's new Marriage Hacks site and she's written well about another important gift to give them here.

It's so important to understand what husband's need and long for in us.

Remembering and reminiscing is another gift we can give and I loved reading Lindsay's favorite Valentine memory during their courtship. Too sweet.

Not only do we give heart gifts to strengthen our marriages, but we can give food gifts and mood gifts.

The last Sunday we were in Spain, the kitchen was bustling with three women (Jenni, Megan and myself) making crepes and all the yummies to go with it.

Ah - ha - I said to myself - crepes is what I'll make my musical hubs for a very romantic Valentine's Breakfast. Since breakfast is my favorite meal to eat and prepare - it's going to be crepes. If you read my blog, you'll know that steel cut oats are a morning theme around my kitchen, so this V-Day - it's going to be crepes. For other special days I make Ableskivers. Here's my how to for crepes.

Like Gabrielle, I'll use goblets and linens and most likely have our romantic interlude outside. We can do that in the Phoenix Valley, so keep on the look out for what Lylah's Romantic Valentine's Breakfast table looks like. :-).

Meredith showed off her 2006 Valentines Breakfast table with yummy waffles. When I make waffles, I use the recipe from Martha Stewart Buttermillk Waffles. Yum

Daiquiri's making these frozen yummies for Valentines. Oh, you've got to check out her new photo shop you have to. Daiquiri takes ordinary life kid stuff and captures it to be amazing. Way to go girl - roses to you!

Amy shared her V-Day tips along with sharing some links to great idea sites and I loved her idea to create a bed and breakfast kind of look out of the bedroom (mood gift). I call that Creating Creative Sanctuary in the Master Bedroom. Hmmm...gives me some ideas. Thanks Amy!

I just discovered Carol's blog full of fun and interesting ideas. I love her candy heart topiaries.
On another artsy note - Gabrielle has a great Kid Valentine exchange idea. This works for me.

What are you planning to do to celebrate YOUR marriage? Share something on YOUR blog and come back here and post it and then link us to it.

Valentine's Breakfast and Other Ideas

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/02/valentines-breakfast.html

The Power of the Bedroom - Sex Talk

I read once that every room has a mission. If you were writing a mission statement for your home what would it be? A woman’s home is an extension of her feminine soul…and it’s God-given creativity. Take a minute and walk around your home. The mission statement I'd give of my home is Celebrate Life. Even in the days where it's in a bit of a disarray, I can say that.

Head toward your bedroom.

What would the mission statement of your bedroom be? Does your bedroom say – Come on honey, let’s CELEBRATE? Is your bedroom uncluttered, as beautiful as can be, fragrant . . . like a sanctuary?

My heart is to create sanctuary and after a woman tends to her kitchen and brings order there, I'd say the master bedroom is next. I wrote about the importance in creating Sanctuary in the Master Bedroom here.

Read Hebrews 13:4. Write it down in a journal.

It IS the place where your husband comes to pursue you…

Don't let EVERYONE in Your Bedroom
I can remember when my spiritual mother told me to make our master bedroom a place of beauty and a place of sanctuary. I think of it as being the room where two lovers unite their souls as one in a sweet expression of intimacy. I'm VERY careful who comes into our bedroom. Guests rarely use our private bathroom. It's important to me to keep our room - our room (OK, except when you have 5+ grandkiddos). But, when do have a lock on our door!

Nancy (my spiritual mother) would always say that it is important for the room that to have order, look beautiful and smell lovely.

Take a second look in your bedroom. What’s it like? Is there any room for improvement? Is your ironing board in your bedroom or how about a pile of laundry waiting to be folded?

What’s the smell factor of your bedroom? Is it time to see what you can do to pretty it up?

Little Touches Make a Difference
Even if you’re on a no-budget fix up—you can still get creative with what you might have in other rooms—pillows, lighting, silk flowers, and candles. What about changing the room around? Can you repaint or wallpaper? Can you add some new curtains or a comforter? What can you do to make it a bit more romantic?

Eliminate Distractions
The first thing you can do is to eliminate distractions in the bedroom. The TV is anathema to romance. It’s a good idea to keep the bedroom free of work, computers and any thing else that would distract you.

A Sanctuary of Communion, Rest and Romance
Our master bedrooms are to be a sanctuary of communion and rest and romance—not a work place. I understand that at times there are extenuating circumstances, but if at all possible shut things off so rest and romance flow through the room.

Cap off the Day
I've been doing a sleep deprivation study and have learned that our bodies/minds don't heal if we stay up much past 10 PM. We personal make it a goal to be in bed - lights out before then. It's just healthier. It allows for pillow chat time mixed it with other good stuff.

Celebrating the Sanctuary of Love
Now that you’re CELEBRATING the sanctuary of love - and you're getting my drift. Let's do an attitude check.

Is your attitude toward sex one that says, “YES! Let’s CELEBRATE?”
Can you be sexy for your husband and what would that look like?
And, have you taken the 30 Day Sex Challenge?

Celebrate Sex
Attitude about sex is everything. God has an “attitude” about sex and women would do well to line their attitude up with his. What is your attitude about sex? Is sex on your mind? Take some time and write out your attitudes in your journal.

Attitude has to do with an inward feeling expressed with an outward behavior. “As a woman thinks—so she does.” The Bible says that out of the heart the mouth speaks. Whatever attitude we have as wives have will come out in what we do and what we say. If our “attitude” isn’t a God “attitude” then there’s great potential to deeply wound our man with our words and actions.

This sexual arena is a very “tender” one for our men.

One of God’s Attitudes Expressed in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
I'd suggest to read that passage and write it out in your journal.

Duty or Delight
That word “duty” can throw many women off balance. It has the idea of not depriving each other by taking back what has already been promised—the Celebration of Sex. That passage is saying that we have the right, the privilege, and the responsibility to please each other in the marriage bed.

Space and purpose here in this post won’t allow for my dissertation on the Celebration of Sex, instead an excellent book to read is Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.

As you seek to “get” a “God attitude” about sex, consider what voices you’ve heard in the past that conflict and have caused confusion about sex. Media will be a confusing voice, your mom might have been a confusing voice, the girl friends down the street might have been a wrong voice too. Those voices are good to get in touch with. God’s voice matters.

Sex and it’s CELEBRATION is about God—not about us.

Prayer

LORD, You say that the marriage bed is holy and undefiled (Hebrews 13:4). I thank You that this is Your idea. I thank You that You created us to enjoy one another (Song of Solomon 7:6).

LORD, You have made my husband a sexual being. You have made me a sexual being. I pray that You would help me change any wrong thinking I have toward this Celebration of Marriage that is a gift.

Father, grace us to gain an understanding of one another's distinct physical
differences and help us to appreciate these differences rather than be irritated by them.

LORD, help me to completely give myself to my husband and to fully enjoy our times of lovemaking. Help me to release everything from my mind and to enter into our times of lovemaking with one focus—the pleasure of intimacy in this realm of romantic love (Song of Solomon 8:13-14).

Father, bless my husband's sexuality. I pray that he would become strong and . . . .you fill in the blank!

Please Post Optionsdont' forget to vote for this blog here.

The Power of the Bedroom - Sex Talk

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/04/power-of-bedroom-sex-talk.html

fuses that hinder intimacy in marriage

Marriage is obviously a key theme on the Lylah Blog. It's the subject that I am passionate to discuss and to disciple young women in.

One of the things that makes marriage difficult are those unresolved conflicts. Sure conflicts will arise but what do you do when the conflict is over the same issue and it never seems to get resolved?

Unresolved conflicts hinder intimacy in marriage and when marital love (great sex) wanes, the door of temptations can open.

I think of conflicts like bombs in a marriage. And, bombs have a fuse, so the idea is to get to understand what the frequent fuse is so you can put it out before the bomb explodes. So how do you diffuse that bomb before it ignites? What are some possible fuses that ignite them.

Here's some possible fuses in your marriage:

The first fuse is a lack of skill to listen. Listening is a skill to be learned and held like a precious gift. True listening – to hear the words of the heart – takes work. It only takes one in the marriage to really learn to listen.

Good listening can de-fuse a bomb. Don’t wait for you husband to listen to you – you get started and begin to listen to him. This has to be your attitude – that you make it your responsibility to hear his voice, his words, his heart and the language he uses.

Most of us women love to talk – but what about listening. I heard a quote recently, "There is not greater lie than a truth misunderstood."

Men speak a different language than women. They are typically linear in thought processes while we as women are integrated meaning we can generally integrate feelings and facts at the same time.

Men generally have to process facts before facing feelings and women generally – have to process feelings before they can face facts.

As a wife – discover and renew all those good reasons to praise your man – especially before you give him your well-thought out and prayed about suggestions for his improvement. Practice the James principle – found in James 1:19 -be quick to listen, sloooooowwwww to speak and slow to anger and if you do get angry – don’t sin in it and if you do sin in your anger – deal with it – confess and repent before the next day is over.

We do well when we quiet the myriad of thoughts and feelings in our feminine souls to hear even his choice of words – the tone of his voice and even observe his body language. Men, generally, use fewer words. If we’re not careful and don’t listen – we’ll miss all of them.

Listening is not only a bomb de-fuser – but it’s a tool for intimacy. A good friend is a listener and I read once that the basic ingredients for a good marriage – which has sweet intimacy – is friendship plus sex.

Components of intimacy include closeness, bonding, warmth and affection, openness and honesty. If good listening skills aren’t learned and practiced then intimacy has a weak platform on which to develop and thrive.

When listening – avoid mind-reading – don’t assume you know what your husband is thinking or feeling. He’s the author of what he’s saying.

Failure to understand the message is the beginnings of a fuse for a big bomb. Some other fuses within communication can be poor timing, any non-verbal signals that conflict with verbal messages, all sarcasm and all threats.

So, go - look your man in the eyes and listen to his heart - not necessarily his words.

Don't forget to vote for this blog here.

fuses that hinder intimacy in marriage

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/06/fuses-that-hinder-intimacy-in-marriage.html

one of the things michael and i do for fun

Marriage is so important to the survival of the family and the family is important to the survival of the community. As is the marriage - so goes the family and then the community. And, when I'm talking marriage - I'm talking a good marriage - not the kind when two people just become room mates and when the kids are gone they wake up one morning not having a clue who the other person is.

A good marriage just doesn't happen - it takes work - a lot of hard work. Michael and I have worked hard on our marriage - learning to understand and accept each other with all the warts and wrinkles.

I think one of the things that's often neglected in marraige is that couples don't do things together. It's like the husband is off doing his 'own' thing and she's off doing 'her' own thing and never the twain meet. There's just something so powerful when two people "serve" and are unified in what they do. Michael calls it a 'one-flesh' ministry. There's double glory when we combine our gifts and personality by doing "it" together.

So, in light of that, I'm going to periodically post some of what we've done together in hopes that you'll be provoked to think of how you and your spouse might join forces and get a double glory effect.

This past January, Michael and I enjoyed a few weeks in Basque Country. Besides going to great pastry shops (for fun) we spent time in a French school teaching a Beatles song, "I get a little help from my friends."

Here, we are in Basque Country (French side). Michael, the guy who went to Woodstock, is teaching them the old Beatles tune, "A Little Help from My Friends." And me? I'm the proud one enjoying him as he plays and sings. Do you know how powerful it is when you look "adoringly" at your husband and really mean it?

one of the things michael and i do for fun

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/10/one-of-things-michael-and-i-do-for-fun.html

Power of Life and Death in the Tongue.

In light of helping wives grow in learning to respect/love their husbands, I am reposting this piece written a year ago. Enjoy.

I wonder if we, women ought not to bridle our tonques more? Doesn't that sound "controlling?" But, maybe it's something to think about about.

There is the power of life and death in the tongue. It can wound or it can win.

By simply listening to the way a woman speaks to her husband, you can tell what kind of a wife she is. You can tell if she respects him by the tone, body language, and words she uses.

What areas do you struggle with?
______Mindless chit-chat
______Gossip
______Complaining
______Interrupting conversations
______ Bragging
______Not really listening
______Telling your husband what to do or how to do it.


Here’s a homework challenge for you - it might be helpful and humbling: tell your husband that you want to grow in your respect (reverence - adoration, esteeming, preferring, putting him first, honoring him) toward him and since you do want to grow, tell him that you want to know what words you use or the way you say things that make him feel disrespected.

Ask him how you might say the same thing, but in a way, that he would feel respected.

Then, write down what he says and journal a prayer to the Lord to help you grow in this area.

Power of Life and Death in the Tongue.

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2007/11/women-especially-need-to-bridle-their.html

guys - GO GET THE GIRL!

Recently I wrote this post: Resisting to Become Irresistible and the astounding number of "hits" communicated loud and clear that this whole dating thing subject is something women want to know about.

I have the privilege of mentoring many young and not so young women and one of their greatest tensions is living with the longing attached to the unanswered question: What's wrong with me? Why am I'm not married? Why does the guy not commit himself to me? What's wrong with me?

Many precious (worthy wife women) think that maybe God has no one for them. If they desire to be married - then God does have someone for them to learn to follow and show respect to.

My answer is: It's not that there's something wrong with you (except if you operate out of fear and start controlling - and if you haven't been mentored and don't understand biblical womanhood). - Many good men today are simply passive and don't know that God wired them with everything they needs to initiate, pursue and conquer The Girl. They let their fear of intimacy override their testosterone (the kick to pursue and conquor).

One thing I know and have observed is IF The Guy doesn't know WHO he is WHOSE he is and WHAT he's here for and WHERE he's going - his confidence wanes and he goes from girl to girl because he gets close enough - then fear sets in and he goes no further and then often he'll blame the girl for NOT being THE one - when in fact - she was. He doesn't understand that he can lead. He can have meaningful conversations. He can have vision that she'll follow. He can succeed with God on his side. And, he can Go Get the Girl!

Rarely, it's The Girl who gets freaked out and bales - even when she's committed to not doing that!

Here's my Ten Tips to Get The Girl!

1. Recognize that God made The Guy with everything he needs to pursue - not be passive but to hunt, initiate, pursue and conquer The Girl.

My husband says that passivity is the fruit of fear of failure or success. Thus men don't pursue. My husband says that when a man isn't CENTERED he struggles with pursuing. One of the reasons The Guy doesn't pursue is that he already "feels" as if he is a failure. It's often the big bulls eye on a The Guy's chest. Hunting for and pursuing The Girl sometimes only magnifies The Guy's inner pain of outright failure.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

2. Recognize that God designed The Girl (no matter what she thinks) to need and love being pursued and then gently conquered. It's difficult for a woman to give her heart to The Guy who isn't initiating and pursuing - because it's not clear how the relationship is defined.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

3. Recognize that it's The Guy's job to define the relationship and if she's a worthy woman (to be a wife) she'll wait until The Guy does so. If The Guy expects The Girl to define the relationship then she's being put in the control seat and should the relationship continue The Guy's at risk of resenting her. Why? Because The Guy's the leader, the conqueror and the one who gives voice and direction to the relationship.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

4. Recognize that Girls are responders and they were designed to follow. That's a hard thing today, but it's God's way and it works best. The Guy leads and The Girl follows. If The Guy doesn't take the lead then it's possible he'll feel manipulated by The Girl.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

5. Recognize that The Girl needs The Guy's strength, his kindness and to be delighted in by him. She truly is a princess and don't be intimated by her princess-ness - that's really God's gift to The Guy - in time - once he's Gotten The Girl.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

6. Recognize that if The Girl is trying to change The Guy - he should run. She's not ready to respect The Guy and appreciate his manhood and it just won't work. When The Guy believes he's the King and walks like the King (humility and gentleness) he'll have eyes to see the Queen. If The Girl isn't walking like a Queen and he's walking like a King - he won't recognize The Girl - because he's looking for a Queen.

7. Recognize that if The Guy hasn't pursued The Girl - it's of great value for The Guy to see if he's tied to his mother's apron strings, or tied to The Girl from his past that wounded his man-ness by rejecting him or if he has a wrong view of his man-ness by carrying around a yardstick that God doesn't even measure him by.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

8. Recognize it's really important that The Guy has finished his business with Mama in order to pursue The Girl.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

9. Recognize that The Best Girl The Guy can Go Get - is the one he sees serving and submitting. Girls this is a hint. Jacob found Rebbecca serving and submitting - by getting water for thirsty camels. Boaz found Ruth serving and submitting in the field. David saw Abigail serving and submitted by actually recognizing David's protection of her husband's riches.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

10. Recognize that gives The Guy vision for his family. The Best Girl understands vision and will come alongside The Guy's vision and be the wind under The Guy's wings.

Here's a man (my man) with vision!
Got questions - need help? Guy's can email my husband, Michael - onecor13@aol.com

Be Fair to The Girl
1. Girls already feel insecure and rejected and when guys are "just friends" with girls, it often makes them more insecure. That's not fair.
2. Don't string a girl along. Girls often give their whole heart away while the guy is still thinking IF she's a candidate. That can wound her. That's not fair.
3. Don't expect the girl to read your mind. Communicate your intent to her. Otherwise, that's not fair.

What To Look for In The Girl
1. You'll never find the 'perfect' girl. If she's submitted, serving and is willing to follow you to the ends of the earth and even live in a box, then she's The Girl. She follows your vision - not hers otherwise she's not The Girl (for you). Ask The Girl, "What do you want most? Marriage to your ministry or marriage to a man?" Her answer must line up with her behavior - after you define the relationship.
2. Don't evaluate The Girl by her outer beauty. That'll fade. See her heart, her inner quiet beauty that is worth more than a boat load of rubies.
3. Can you trust her heart? (Her answer to Question # 1 will reveal that.) Will she do you good? Then put the ring on her finger.
4. When looking for wife, look for one that's gentle and tender, frugal, creative, not a gossip, modest, a hard worker, wise, resourceful, compassionate, not argumentative, dignified, thinks ahead and is willing to serve and put her hands to the task. Look for a wife with a sense of humor - one that laughs and enjoys life.
5. Look for The Girl who has been mentored by an older woman - like myself! Get The Girl who reads the Lylah Blog and wants to learn from it.
6. Look for The Girl who loves and follows Jesus above all else, lives by His word and is running to win Him as her prize and seeking to get reward on That Day.

Now. . . GO GET THAT GIRL!

guys - GO GET THE GIRL!

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/08/guys-go-get-girl.html

what is a mentor?

What is a mentor?
· A mentor is a woman who is close and trusted and experienced.
· A mentor is a woman who is a role model and has a lifestyle exemplary of knowing, walking and loving Jesus.
· A mentor is a woman who is an older woman who is a godly role model who nurtures (provides that which is necessary for life and growth), assumes responsibility for a younger woman whom she is discipling (teaching the ways of the Lord – through prayer, God’s word) on a one-on-one basis.
· A mentor is reverent in the way she lives and has a lifestyle worthy of respect at all times.
· A mentor displays her lifestyle in the caring ways she listens to people of all ages; in her discreet but attractive appearance which mirrors her inner beauty; in her respect for others and their feelings and in all her relationships
· A mentor is a woman who is able to keep confidences, have nothing to do with gossip or idle talk or rumors.
· A mentor is a woman who is gifted with love to bring out the gifts in another woman.
· A mentor is a woman who has a reputation for kindness toward others and possesses Christ-like characteristics.
· A mentor is a woman who is available and willing to share in another’s life.
· A mentor is a woman who desires to listen with a receptive heart, perseveres and commits to the woman God has brought her into the mentoring relationship with.
· A mentor is a woman who is willing to spiritually reproduce herself in the life of another woman.
· A mentor is a woman who pours out her life into the life of another woman becoming a life-shaper.

what is a mentor?

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/08/what-is-mentor.html

lylah-isms on marriage

Here's a few more Lylah-isms on marriage.

Assess your idea of marriage.
Before you married your husband, what did you think marriage was all about? Did you have any idea of your role and his? Did you think that all your needs, desires and wants would be met in your man? Is your idea biblical or cultural? Did you know that God says the woman was made for the man and not the man for the woman? It’s true.

Everything about you—your wiring—is made to complement your husband. You were designed to come along side him as a support.

If a marriage is based on cultural ideologies verses biblical ones it will be at risk to fail. The flame will flicker and the foxes will spoil the vineyard blossoms.

Many wives, ignorantly, try to apply cultural philosophies to the Bible and think it will work. It won’t. It can’t. God won’t let it, because marriage is His idea.

Get real here—only if you want to grow and become mature.
1. Get a journal to write in.

2. Make a list of how you know/think you are critical.

3. Then, go to your husband and ask HIM how HE thinks YOU are critical toward HIM.

Really, you might be surprised. When I’ve done this, I’ve felt such shame—good shame that I could repent, change, grow. It’s a good exercise for a wife to do at least once a month.

lylah-isms on marriage

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/08/lylah-isms-on-marriage_26.html