Monday, August 11, 2008

understanding men - part 4

Today is part 4 of Understanding Men. I want to address why it's SO VERY important that a boy identify with his dad's role.

I can't stress it enough. It’s really important for a boy to identify with his dad’s male role. In childhood, little boys need much affirmation from dad. In adolescence, a son moves further and further away from his childhood dependency on mom. This move often happens with aggression.

One of my favorite books, besides the Silence of Adam and Healing the Masculine Soul is Leanne Payne's Crisis in Masculinity. In this she writes:

If mom is able to encourage her son to be strong as he enters the world, to find women of his choice, to rough and tumble in his favorite competitive arenas, and to remain respectful of her in his budding aggression, he continues the path—the path of being fully alive in his masculinity and appreciating his God-given man-ness. Eventually he leaves her altogether and then in one sense, he returns.

Mother must be reckoned with. If a man doesn't act during childhood, then he must act during adolescence or when an adult, but he must reckon with her. Without that, his maturity level will be stunted. If a man hasn’t done well with his mother – than he’ll not do well with his wife. These conflicts of the masculine soul must be worked out. If not, he'll attempt to work them out on his wife.

I'll continue with the subject of men marrying their "moms" tomorrow.

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Melissa said...

I didn't think when I married my husband that we'd have so much difference in our lives because our parents came from different countries. What I failed to realize we were quite different and my husband wasn't even born in the USA. He had a different upbringing, and was deprived of his father's approval growing up and onto into his adult life. I was thankful when we first married we took the opportunity to care for my dear Father-in-law who battled cancer. He was able to repair his relationship and get love from him. What I wish for my husband is to get that separation from his mother in a healthy way, work out his passive aggressive anger, and heal from the loss of his Father. I wish he could have heard one of my last talks with his Father about what his Daddy wished for him. He told me how he wanted David to be happy, have a family, and not worry about anything about finances or doing what was "right" in his Mom's eyes. I told his Daddy that all I wanted was for his son was to give him a family, unconditional love, and an ability to be encouraged to live life as who he was and is here and now. I think I am on the pathway as I am beginning to learn more about who David is and what I need to do to change in me to be a better wife, friend, lover, and so on. Thanks for your post!!!!

In Christ's Love,