Heal Your Marriage - Show Your Man Respect

When I married my darling husband, I didn't have a clue that one my roles in marriage was to show him (unconditional) respect. I subconsciously created this RESPECT yardstick based on behavior. In my world, Michael needed to jump high enough and be perfect enough to earn my respect. My yardstick of earned respect was based on fear, selfishness and what I thought I needed that he should give to me in this marriage.

You can only imagine what kind of home I built with that attitude toward my husband: one of confusion, conflict and bitterness. I modeled dis-respect with my tone, emotional manipulation and criticisms.

One day, while at lunch with some girlfriends the topic of conversation turned to how kids/teens seemed incredibly disrespectful these days. For some reason, I recalled the subject of respect in that letter which Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus. Specifically, the part in Ephesians 5:33 where Paul wrote, "Wives, see to it that you respect your husbands." jumped out in my mind.

Now, I've read that fifty gazillion times, but for some reason, in that setting, I had what I call a 'holy moment.' The light bulb went on. I realized that all these years I expected my husband to earn respect - by measuring up to my behavioral yardstick of expectations.

This was an awakening for me, because God, through the writer Paul - gave a command to wives, "Wives, see to it that you respect your husbands." This was a wife's "ticket" to her part to make a marriage work - even heal a marriage - even heal a home, a community and today, I say heal a nation.

The respect mentioned in that scripture had nothing to do with a husband earning respect but rather it was about a wife giving her man unconditional respect - because of his position of authority as the head and the leader of our home. His position of ultimately being responsible for how he would guide his wife and children demanded a respect - one that would give him impetus to have good/Godly vision to lead well. (Men, today, often lead by not leading - doesn't remove the fact that they are still positioned to lead and will be - in the end of life - held accountable for how they did so.)

I realizes that "what love is to me - respect is to him." I need love and he needs respect - it's part of how God wired every woman and every man. God's requiring us to give the thing to our spouse that is most difficult for us to do because it's much about developing character and leaving a legacy that matters.

I also realized that it's the role of a wife to model respect in her home - so her children can learn to respect authority. Any wonder why so many children/teens/adults have no clue of respect for authority today? Guess who models that on the home front? I truly believe that a child can't really know God lest they understand how to respect authority.

The need for women to understand this is huge. Our husbands don't earn respect because God says he's to be given it. (There are, however, those relationships where respect is NOT given, but earned)

It's when a wife operates from that premise that God can THEN work a work that can't be un-worked - and actually heal a broken marriage.

If your marriage seems as if it's falling apart, then begin by looking at yourself - not your husband. Don't point the blame/shame/should finger at him. Look at how you are showing him respect.

In order for any marriage to make it today, it's imperative that a wife understand that her husband thrives, needs, requires respect and God says we're the ones to give it. A man needs respect like a woman needs love and when a man doesn't feel that respect coming from his wife, it's an open invitation for him to seek it out elsewhere. In time he will . . .

Lately, the news has been plastered with the sad situation between Jon and Kate Gosselin -- stars of the TLC reality. I have yet to watch one complete episode of the show, but everything I read is that she does nothing but verbal emasculate her husband - disrespect him in front of his children and anyone else. How often I've done that and probably you too?

What are ways you show your husband respect? How do you model respect on your homefront? Does your husband's heart trust you?


Related Posts
It's All About Respect
Step Toward a Stronger Marriage
Loving My Husband - How I Show Respect
Understanding Men

Heal Your Marriage - Show Your Man Respect

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2009/06/heal-your-marriage-show-your-man.html

it's all about respect - part 4

I've freely shared how I didn't have a clue that my role in my marriage was to show respect to my husband. I just about tore my house down with my own hands because I disrespected Michael with words, with that "tone" and with emotional manipulation. Great job for a pastor's wife, eh?

The problem is - is that I really didn't GET that that's what I was doing. I was simply acting out of fear, selfishness and what I thought I needed. It wasn't until I read Ephesians 5: 22 - 33 that I GOT it. Wives - see to IT that you show (unconditional) respect to your husband.

What love is to me - respect is to him. The need for women to understand this is huge. Your man doesn't earn respect (there are, however, those relationships where respect is NOT given, but earned) - God says he's to be given it. It's when a wife operates from that premise that God can work a work that can't be unworked - and actually heal a broken marriage.

So, in light of all that, I'm going to continue posting my husband's study on - It's all about respect - which began here. Today is the last part of this study.

TOWARD PARENTS: 1 Tim 3:4-5 "He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)"

TOWARD HUSBANDS (in this passage, respect is not earned – because the husband is not believing the word) 1 Peter 3:1-3 "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (unanswered prayers is the judgment for the husband who doesn’t honor his wife)

1 Pet 3:7 "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered." (In this passage, the husband is commanded to love – the wife is commanded to respect) Eph 5:33 "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

B. EARNED RESPECT

BY BEING SELF-CONTROLLED, BY BEING FULL OF FAITH, LOVE & ENDURANCE: Titus 2:1-2 "You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance."

BY BEING SELF-CONTROLLED: 1 Tim 3:8 "Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain."

BY CARRYING OUR LOAD DAY BY DAY: 1 Thess 4:11-12 "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."

BY SPIRITUAL LEADERS WHO WORK HARD: 1 Thess 5:12-13 "Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other."

BY BEING KINDHEARTED
Prov 11:16 "A kindhearted woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth."

APPLICATION:
Repent of disrespect – in any area where respect is lacking (w/God, delegated authorities, toward His Image Bearers, His Word)

Resurrect respect – in every area of my life – in the fear of the Lord; so that we may bring glory (rather than shame) to our Lord, to His Word, to His Story.

Re-establish respect – in those areas in which I am in authority. In a relaxed way (firmly, yet gently) teach respect. Build this foundation for relationships, for life. Establish it in your home with your children (modeling it and teaching it). Take the opportunities to teach it (here at DSC with the children and each other, in the market place, in the work place), for the sake of the glory of His story -- of order, of beauty and of love.

it's all about respect - part 4

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/06/its-all-about-respect-part-4.html

it's all about respect - part 3

If we don't understand what God means about respect, I wonder how well we can know Him. Here is part 1 of this mini-series and here is part 2.

Today is part 3 of my husband's study on respect.

II. SHOWING RESPECT: When I am with a person. . .
REMOVE THE NEGATIVES: (when communicating – whether in a conversation face to face, on the phone, or in a letter/ I.M. /e-mail)
No interrupting
No sarcasm with the intent to hurt
No attacks or unjust accusations
No "mind reading" (assuming you know what they’re thinking, or what they’re going to say, or inappropriately filling in their words)
No unnecessary raising of the voice for purposes of intimidating
No demanding (requests are acceptable – but that means no manipulation if the request is denied).
No ignoring (deliberately or mindlessly); instead, show respect by paying attention – giving eye contact, being attentive
No imposing my will on you – through manipulation; persuasion is O.K. unless I go over the line and the other person says, "I’m feeling pressured/violated – would you back off." Then, it’s time to back off

B) BRINGING IN THE POSITIVES:
Thinking the best of the person (Made in the Image of God, their uniqueness, their qualities) – giving the benefit of the doubt;

Get some understanding of the person: his/her background, circumstances, giving honor (valuing the person)

Listening – feeding back what is said – making it a first goal to get the person’s whole story (to understand);

to work at this until the person speaking can say, "You got what I’m saying"Accepting that person where they are at (assessing where they really are – not where they "should be"), then accepting; sticking to agreements – not bailing and making arbitrary decisions (contrary to prior agreements) when the heat is on;

make your word your bond and keep adjusting the agreements in a proper way – not midstream, but keep my word and later discuss and readjust one on one.

Staying within boundaries – that a person has defined; respect means to accept those boundaries without challenging them, without mocking or judging the person for setting them, but accepting that "this is where the person is at."

Being thankful because this person took the time to shown me respect by taking the first step and clearly defining those boundaries (so I don’t have to guess or wonder)

SCRIPTURES ON RESPECT:A. UNEARNED RESPECT TOWARD ALL, BECAUSE WE ARE IN GOD’S IMAGE: James 3:9-10 "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be."

This eliminates all racism, pre-judging, and sets the stage for God’s love to be displayed. You can’t love someone you’ve already judged as unworthy of His love.

TOWARD ALL THOSE WHO ARE IN AUTHORITY: Rom 13:1-9 "Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for anything. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.

TOWARD THOSE WHO ARE OLDER – THE ELDERS (the elders being shown no respect is a sign of God’s judgment for their sin) Lam 5:11-16 "Women have been ravished in Zion, and virgins in the towns of Judah. Princes have been hung up by their hands; elders are shown no respect. Young men toil at the millstones; boys stagger under loads of wood. The elders are gone from the city gate; the young men have stopped their music. Joy is gone from our hearts; our dancing has turned to mourning. The crown has fallen from our head. Woe to us, for we have sinned!"

1 Peter 5:5-6 "Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

TOWARD THE LEADERS IN THE CHURCH (or even synagogue)Heb 13:17 Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you.

Acts 23:1-5 Paul looked straight at the Sanhedrin and said, "My brothers, I have fulfilled my duty to God in all good conscience to this day." At this the high priest Ananias ordered those standing near Paul to strike him on the mouth. Then Paul said to him, "God will strike you, you whitewashed wall! You sit there to judge me according to the law, yet you yourself violate the law by commanding that I be struck!" Those who were standing near Paul said, "You dare to insult God's high priest?" Paul replied, "Brothers, I did not realize that he was the high priest; for it is written: `Do not speak evil about the ruler of your people." Paul feared violating God’s word and repented.

NOTE: WE DO NOT MINDLESSLY GIVE RESPECT TO ALL THOSE WHO THINK THEY DESERVE IT (whether earned or unearned) – especially if they are demanding it and are telling us to violate our conscience or violate God’s law)

Acts 5:27-29 Having brought the apostles, they made them appear before the Sanhedrin to be questioned by the high priest. "We gave you strict orders not to teach in this name," he said. "Yet you have filled Jerusalem with your teaching and are determined to make us guilty of this man's blood." Peter and the other apostles replied: "We must obey God rather than men!

GOD DEALS WITH THOSE WHO MISUSE THEIR POSITIONS (but not always this immediately): Acts 12:21-24 "On the appointed day Herod, wearing his royal robes, sat on his throne and delivered a public address to the people. They shouted, "This is the voice of a god, not of a man." Immediately, because Herod did not give praise to God, an angel of the Lord struck him down, and he was eaten by worms and died. But the word of God continued to increase and spread.

SUBORDINATION IS NOT EVIL. JESUS IS SUBORDINATE TO THE FATHER (John 8:29, 10:29): Eph 5:21 "…submitting to one another in the fear of God."

In this passage God commands those in a subordinated position to submit to those in authority: wife to husband, children to parents, employees to employers.

Husbands are commanded to love their wives, parents are to not provoke their children but to nurture them, and bosses are to stop abusing their employees and to deal with them in light of their own Master, Jesus Christ.

In this way, our relationships are telling His story - how God displays His glory through our working together within our positions.

TOWARD ALL, WITH BOSSES: 1 Peter 2:17-18 "Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king. Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh."

Titus 2:9-10 "Teach slaves to be subject to their masters in everything, to try to please them, not to talk back to them, and not to steal from them, but to show that they can be fully trusted, so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive."

Eph. 6:5-7 "Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart."

1 Tim 6:1-2 "All who are under the yoke of slavery should consider their masters worthy of full respect, so that God's name and our teaching may not be slandered. Those who have believing masters are not to show less respect for them because they are brothers. Instead, they are to serve them even better, because those who benefit from their service are believers, and dear to them. These are the things you are to teach and urge on them."

it's all about respect - part 3

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/06/its-all-about-respect-part-3.html

it's all about respect - part two

How can someone who doesn't understand the principles of respect really know God?

If a woman - who is to model respect toward her husband on her home front - doesn't, then how can her kids really get to know God? Isn't respect - honor - a foundation to knowing God?

A mini-series on respect - called: It's all about respect - begins here. This is part two - a study on respect written by my hubs a few years ago.

I. CULTIVATING RESPECT: In our hearts for a person (an attitude of respect –for people, positions, property)

TAKING TIME BEFORE GOD: Thinking this through and asking Him what respect should be shown to each person in each circumstance, whether it’s a respect that is initially given (unearned), or a respect that is earned. Both kinds of respect are mentioned in the Bible:

1) RESPECT - THAT IS NOT EARNED – respect that is to be given…
…because that person is made in God’s image: James 3:9-11
…because of their position in the family – position given by God (elder, husband, parent 1 Tim. 3:4,5; 6:1,2; 1 Pet. 3:1-3; Eph. 5:33)
…because of one’s age (just being older demands an unearned respect – 1 Pet. 5;5,6)
…because of position given in the church, government or in places of employment (Heb. 13:17; Romans 13:1-9; 1 Peter 2:17,18; Acts 23:1-5; Eph. 6:5-7)
…because a person communicated to me a clear and valid relational boundary that I am able to stay within without violating my conscience (it’s called proper respect; respecting a person’s decision -- 1 Pet 2:17)

2) RESPECT - THAT IS EARNED – by something we do. It’s a respect that is….
…given to those who are being self-controlled, by being full of faith, love and endurance (Titus 2:1-2)
…given to those who are being self-controlled (1 Tim 3:8)
…given by the unbeliever to those believers who are carrying their load day by day ( Thess 4:11-12)
…given to those leaders who are working hard (1 Thess 5:12-13)
…given to women who are being kindhearted (Prov 11:16)

B. REMOVING THE NEGATIVES (respecting God, heeding His word in relationships; removing the disrespect)
Not thinking evil in our hearts toward a person – not gossiping or breaking a confidence
Not listening to other reports about a person – not listening to gossip
Not taking anything to heart and making conclusions/judgments before hearing the whole story
Not taking a hurt for others – but rather encouraging the hurt person to first go to his/her offender and work things out one on one

C) BRINGING IN THE POSITIVES:
In times of conflict, resolve to deal with a person one on one first – as opposed to coming as a "group" (Matt. 18:15-19).

Pray for the person – until you get God’s perspective for that person; until you’re attitude can show the respect and love due that person.

See and appreciate the best in the person; not ignoring the negatives, but putting them in perspective to the whole person.

it's all about respect - part two

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/06/its-all-about-respect-part-two.html

it's all about respect

Respect and how to show respect is desperately needed to be understood and practiced today – especially in my Western culture and particularly among women.

It’s only been within the past seven or eight years that I started to understand how much I didn’t understand that my husband, Michael, needed me to show him respect. I’d had the attitude that he needed to earn my respect until one day I saw that God said (Ephesians 5) that a husband is to be given respect.

The light bulb went on. The thing that I was doing was making him earn my respect. I was wrong and did some damage that I've repaired.

For those of you that don't understand what this is about keep reading what my pastor husband has written.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline… The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom… His (God’s) intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms according to His eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord." This fear – healthy reverence - is a clean, a pure fear, enduring forever, full of life and beauty, and joy and love. (Prov. 1:7; 9:10; Eph. 3:10,11).

"What" or "who" are we "fearing?" We’re fearing God by…
…being careful that we don’t violate a person whom He has positioned; disrespecting delegated authority is disrespecting God (Rom. 13:1-9).

…being careful not to violate the will of a person. God is saying, "This (person – whoever it is) is my Image Bearer – my treasure…you watch how you treat them, because I’m watching too." (James 3:9-11).

…being careful how we are telling His story (Eph. 3:10-12; 1 Pet. 1:12-17; 2 Cor. 5:9-11). It’s a fear of a loss of liberty, a clear conscience, the joy of pleasing the Lord, His approval (instead, discipline), of a display of His story, a loss of His joy in rewarding us with affirmation and a co-rulership position He desires to give us.

We are to "work out our salvation (this process of sanctification) with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in us to will and to act according to His good purpose…" (Phil 2:12,13).

The question each believer needs to ask is this: "Where is this fear and trembling in my life? Do I consciously or unwittingly cross lines of respect without any regard for God’s word (whether I just take His Word lightly, or perhaps I’m just ignorant of it)?"

We all will answer to The Lord for how we’ve respected God’s Word, and how we’ve responded to those whom He has placed over us.

Observe the harsh rebuke that Jude gives to both the angels who have "left their posts" and men who reject authority and who have spoken freely against authorities in Jude 5-11.

Though you already know all this, I want to remind you that the Lord delivered his people out of Egypt, but later destroyed those who did not believe. And the angels who did not keep their positions of authority but abandoned their own home-these he has kept in darkness, bound with everlasting chains for judgment on the great Day. In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion.

They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire. In the very same way, these dreamers pollute their own bodies, reject authority and slander celestial beings. But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not dare to bring a slanderous accusation against him, but said, "The Lord rebuke you!" Yet these men speak abusively against whatever they do not understand; and what things they do understand by instinct, like unreasoning animals-these are the very things that destroy them. Woe to them! They have taken the way of Cain; they have rushed for profit into Balaam's error; they have been destroyed in Korah's rebellion.

There is a move of God today to restore families through respect (spouse & children at home, immediate family) Those who want to look at themselves as "a loving person", must give diligent work to the first order of business – and that is "respect".

Without this, we are just assuming that any and all of our actions are O.K. and that everybody else must adjust. What it will take to eliminate this destructive "assuming" will be clarity and boundaries. When there is a conflict, those who want to create arenas (issues of discussion) without boundaries really do not yet want to love. They only want to control. Sometimes boundaries are unspoken – and, if both people are being respected, boundaries don’t necessarily need to be spoken. Yet, if even one person sees the need to put up a boundary, then the other person needs to hear and respect that boundary.

it's all about respect

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/06/its-all-about-respect.html

12 Reasons Wives Refuse to Respect Husbands

I've been visiting this issue of respect and uprooted this article that I think is from the Love and Respect website.. It's good. I imagine this is for someone today.


12 Reasons Wives Refuse to Respect Husbands
This idea of respecting a husband is tough. After all, many wives do not feel a husband deserves respect. So, why would a wife act respectfully when she does not feel respect?

I am for wives. I want their husbands to love them. I believe fond feelings of love are ignited in the husband when a wife let's her husband know that she respects who he is as a human being, even though he fails on many fronts. Though his flesh is weak, when she respects his spirit, he responds to her.

But, this idea of respect is unsettling because wives don't "feel" respect. Here are some of the "reasons" offered to avoid showing unconditional respect.

This is important to address for every wife. A simple axiom exists: No husband feels fond feelings of love and affection toward his wife when she shows contempt for who he is.

Though the Bible reveals unconditional respect can win the heart of your husband (1 Peter 3:1,2) and Ephesians 5:33 reveals this is your husband's need from you, are any of the following views reflective of your heart? This article is designed to help you consider the "wall" you may have erected against showing respect.

1. You Resent Him: angry at him, for whatever reason, you feel he does not deserve any such words of honor. Well, I agree at one level. You aren't to do this because he has earned it. You are doing this because the Bible has given this instruction in Ephesians 5:33. As odd as this expression seems, this is called "unconditional respect." Let's trust our Heavenly Father's wisdom in doing this. He cares about you.

2. You Are Preoccupied: You are fixed on your love needs and the needs of the family that expressing respect to him is a marginal concern. There's no time to get around to acting on this respect thing. Having said that, you know that isn't exactly true. You have time to talk to him about your emotional needs, right? Every wife is looking for more face to face time to talk and increase the feelings of love between the two of them. No wife is too preoccupied for such talk time. This web sight is designed to give you tools and knowledge so that when you talk you can introduce respect talk. You'll be encouraged that this can result in the feelings of love increasing between you. My goal is to create fond feelings of love in his heart for you. Showing "respect" is what motivates him to be more loving! You aren't too preoccupied for that!

3. You'd be Self-deprecating: Expressing respect to him would devalue and degrade you; he would be honored at your expense. Well, this is highly unlikely. That won't happen any quicker than if he loved you that you'd became a self-centered prima dona. He will seek to love and honor you in turn, not devalue you. Why would he dishonor someone seeking to honor him? That violates the honor code among men.

4. You'd be Neglected: Communicating respect could go to his head and he'd be even more self-centered and neglecting of you emotionally. But that makes no sense. Did that happen in courtship? Your glowing attitude attracted him to move toward you and to focus on your heart.

5. You'd be Ridiculed: if you showed respect he'd sarcastically say, "You're a liar in light of all the disrespect you've shown me!" If he said this, it would be for one reason: your respect is too good to be true and he is being flippant. Stay the course! Flip it around, if he did something very loving to you, like brought flowers home unexpectedly, might you say, "What got into you? What do you want?" You do this because when things are too good to be true, you protect yourself with sarcasm. You are not ridiculing him but guarding your heart. Your husband will do the same. He isn't ridiculing but exclaiming, "I hope this is authentic. Prove to me you are sincere."

6. You'd be Manipulative: Knowing that "respect talk" is powerful and opens a man up, better to say nothing than manipulate him to say and act in responsive ways. However, this isn't manipulation but motivation. Yes, if a wife's motive is impure, then that is wrong. But, the solution here is to be authentic. The solution isn't, "Well, since I'm an impure person, I won't do this." What if he said, "I refuse to love you at all since I cannot love you perfectly!"?

7. You'd be Unjust: Telling him you respect him is so unfair since he should be initiating love toward you; you shouldn't be the one acting first. Maybe it isn't fair to you. But who is the mature one? If you are the mature one, it is wise to act first and act on the wisdom that will achieve your goals. To hold back as the mature because you feel it would be unfair makes little sense. Further, it makes no sense to show disrespect until he is more loving.

8. You'd be Accountable: Claiming respect for him demands that you continue to state and show respect, even personally changing wrong attitudes; so better not get into this in the first place. This is true, there is a call to change disrespectful attitudes. But, those are held onto because one believes disrespect will motivate him to be loving. That is comparable to him being unloving to motivate you to be respectful.

9. You've Tried This: Thinking such "respect-talk" has been spoken in the past, it's pointless to say it again. I have found this questionable. Many wives tell me this whole idea is foreign, so I question if the kind of respect we are discussing was shown. But, even if true, I have also found husbands responding in extremely positive ways to this respect. However, because the wife was looking for "flowers," so to speak, and no flowers came, then it didn't work. Yet, the next day a whole series of new things were done by him, and she didn't pay attention because it wasn't what she wanted. "If there are no flowers, then it didn't work."

10. You'd be Weakened: Feeling you need control, telling him you respected him would empower him and bridle your power. Peter says you can win him through respectful behavior (1 Peter 3:1,2). Peter did not see this as powerless but powerful. I know what you feel but please allow me to side with Peter on this one. I happen to believe he is inspired.

11. You'd be Lying: Not respecting him because of his poor performance as husband and father, you'd be untruthful in uttering words of respect. The respect test focuses on what is true not on what is untrue. It also looks at the spirit of the man, not his performance. The 3 disciples failed Jesus at His darkest moment. Yet, he said, "Your spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." We guide you in looking at the spirit of your husband created in the image of God. We happen to believe God's creation has some things in it that can be honored.

12. You'd be Depleted of All Energy: You are feeling wounded and wiped out; you feel hopeless. However, you are not so depleted and hopeless that it kept you from reading this. You have the energy. You are not finished yet in spite of what you say to yourself and others. Bottom line: good willed husbands respond to respect like wives respond to love.

Would love to hear your comments on this.

12 Reasons Wives Refuse to Respect Husbands

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2008/04/12-reasons-wives-refuse-to-respect.html