This isn't what I was going to post today for Baby Steps - Day 8. I had some planning and big picture stuff in mind, but I know because of the emails I've gotten with THIS questions about THIS subject that THIS is what God wants me to address.
THIS subject has to do with your man's vision and how to get behind a man who seems as if he has no (clarified) vision. In addressing THIS subject, I'll do so by posting the (partial) response I gave to one darling wife. Her name, of course, is fictitious.
Hi lovely Darlene ~
Thanks so much for your tender email. You're not the first woman to ask THIS question and so I've decided to respond to you (via your email) and post my response here so that other women can be encouraged to do what you're doing.
What to does a wife do when a man seems as if he has no vision? Good question.
Since God wired the woman to be the queen of her home and to be the key influencer in the life of her husband and since he wired men to be visionaries, piercing the darkness, warriors, leaders, protectors and the king of the home - it stands to reason that God wants to use the good thing (he who finds a wife finds a good thing - Proverbs) - this man's wife - as a vessel and in partnership with Him - to stir up new passion - be the wind underneath her his wings - be the one who wipes the sweat off his brow and be his companion, complementer and lover like none other so that he can discover the vision that's deep in his masculine soul.
It's not that a man has NO vision - it's that he has to discover it. Often God will use the "thing" closest to the heart of a man (remember God took a rib of the man - and made woman and think about a rib as the thing that protects the heart) to build the man up so that he can discover, own and implement his God-vision. He has one - it's just deep down inside his shut down soul. He has to discover it - within Sanctuary.
Good stuff so far, right? :-)
Since every woman has a power of influence, the question then becomes how does she partner with God in using that power of influence so that her mighty man in the making can discover the vision of God that's deep in his soul and then clarify it and communicate it to his wife.
How do we use our power of influence to this mighty man in the making?
How does a woman get behind a man who seems to have lost a sense of direction and has no vision.
First - the woman prays - I've attached a gift copy of my book - Power Prayers for Your Mighty Man for you to use as a guide as you pray. And she asks God to specifically show her - what the stuck place IS in the soul of her man.
Men - good men - seem so drained of life, often appear passive and stuck today. But, God knows exactly what's going on in the masculine soul of this mighty man (of yours) in the making.
As you get quiet (and pray), God will show you - not so that you can bring it up to him in words - but so you can bring it up in prayer before a mighty God who is BIG in your husband!
There's something awfully powerful when a wife puts on her bridal combat boots, storms the heavens and communes with an Almighty God on behalf of his mighty man - her husband.
Next - begin to partner with God in prayer exactly over that stuck place. Make it a daily point of communion with God. Don't let up, be like the woman who begged for a crumb of bread.
Stuck places are generally those where he's discouraged and feels hopeless and for some reason he's measured himself with the yardstick against other men.
In the book I've gifted you - you will find some very specific prayers for these areas. Use that book, walk about in your house and cry out - before a God who wants your husband to discover and own and walk out his vision more than you do.
Then next - think about your husband and what a good man he is. Get out a sheet of paper and write down all the things that you are so thankful for him for. EVERYTHING you can think of - write it down. Write down those character qualities that are good - loyal, faithful, respectable, etc.
Then, what I want you to do is to take that list and thank God for this man and those things.
This next part is going to challenge you, but it all has to do with you partnering with God so that your man can discover that hidden vision.
From this point on - don't tell him what to do OR how to do it. I really mean this. You probably don't realize how often you tell him what to do or how to do things. Become aware of the ways you do this and it's called mothering. He already has one of those and you want to be his lover - you can't be both.
So for the next three months - begin to do nothing but affirm your man. Affirm him up one side and down the other. Let him know what a good man he is. Thank him for choosing you. Tell him how proud you are of him. Let him know that you are so thankful that you get to do life with him.
Affirm him TONS in front of your children, brag about him in front of EVERYBODY. Make it a daily discipline.
Then add to your prayers - specifically that God would begin to show him clearly what his vision is for his family.
DO NOT - say anything about this to him. Just pray. Ask God to even put a fire in his belly as to vision. Ask God to put other Godly men in his life who talk about vision. Got it?
Ask God to show you how you've disrespected him. Repent of that.
Now ask your darling mighty man in the making to be honest with you and tell you the ways - big or little the ways in which he feels disrespected by you. Ouch...this will hurt. Because he's so shut down, he might just say - there are none. Let him know that you know there are and you really want to know - so you can change and grow and become the wife God knows he needs and that you don't want to get to the end of your life having regret in your marriage with him. Tell him to think about it and if he wants he can write it down and give you a list.
Do NOT . . . I repeat do NOT get defensive...which is our tendency when we feel the wound of truth. Take to heart each thing he says - thank him for the list - go to God with the list and then come back to him - when your heart is sincere and ask his forgiveness. Guess what? I've done this and it's a huge step of freedom for him and for you.
Then, ask him to nudge you in the moment when you do or say something that feels as if you are disrespecting him.
The whole point in this is that a man who seems to have no vision is a man who is shut down and walks around feeling worthless because he's not been affirmed in his masculinity by the woman he chose (or because some other woman criticized him) and, because there has been a pattern of disrespect on the home front - not your intent.
See, we're all going to answer to God on That Day (the Judgment Seat of Christ ) for how we lived our life here. As wives, we'll answer for how we followed, supported, submitted and respected. Now is the time to write a new ending.
Next - after a few weeks or a month of you practicing adoring him, affirming him, wiping his brow (I hope you know what I mean by this) and all the other things a wife can do to fill his love cup of RESPECT up (cook his favorite meals, put clean sheets on the bed weekly, be there mentally for him when he wants to embrace you sexually, bring order to your home, clean up the clutter, train the kids to respect him by modeling it, not make buying decisions that you know will add a burden on him, etc.) THEN....you can go to the next step.
The next step is - to tell him you want to get behind his vision for the family. Let him know you've been praying that God would show him clearly what his vision is and that you want to support him in this - mainly by praying and THEN ask him HOW YOU CAN PRAY. Don't ask him - yet - what his vision is. Just leave it at that.
Continue to be faithful in this . . . it's possibly a six month process before you get to this last next step.
Men need time to be open to even think about vision. But, when you partner with God in Creating Sanctuary with Simple Home principles - and by creating that platform of respect and affirmation - he'll begin to hear God. And - in time - probably sooner than you think - your might man - will let you know what the vision for his family is.
Write me in six months. OK? Blessings ~ Lylah
Here's Day 7 and Day 6 and Day 4 and Day 3.
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