Friday, June 13, 2008

More Baby Steps - Part 3 - Understanding the Husband's Authority

(This post is long so hang in there - way important "heart" stuff to be on-purpose and create sanctuary.)

Just this morning I was chatting with my friend, Anita who is an On-Purpose Home Keeper. It's so super cool - 'cause she GETS it!

I was telling Anita that I’m writing this new series and I'm taking time trying to lay a foundation with my readers as to the importance of having the "heart" behind why we do what we do as home keepers.

Anita is an expert at organization and scheduling and menu planning. She also respects her husband as the one given spiritual authority in their home.

As I shared about the home keeper’s foundational principles, she gave a big ‘YES’, because she too, knows that if we don’t GET God’s heart for us as women and if we don’t UNDERSTAND our role in this position then routine and planning and scheduling, has the potential to become drudgery and we will not be effective in creating sanctuary – because that takes heart.

"Heart" needs to lead the task stuff. Paul wrote in the New Testament that whatever we do we’re to do it with our whole heart. Heart is about understanding the value behind what we’re doing and it's is imperative!

Yesterday I wrote about values, principles and sanctuary robbers, the gift of time and I touched on the relationship with my husband in all this home keeping stuff.

Today, I want to expound a bit on the marriage and it’s relationship to Becoming an On-Purpose Home Keeper.

Strengthening My Marriage
Of the many benefits of purposeful home keeping that leads to creating sanctuary, I believe the key benefit is for the marriage. Being on-purpose and creating sanctuary has impact to strengthen my marriage and honor my husband and in time should you take this course, you'll husband will feel like a blessed man.

When I have the heart of being on-purpose with routine and a day with margins that don’t run over, order is created.

Order sets me free to have energy reserved (physical and emotional) for my husband. Knowing my purpose and my home front role helps to keep me from overbooking myself and pacing myself so that I can nurture the most important relationship (outside that with God) – that with my husband.

Scattered and Overwhelmed - NO!
If I’m scattered, feeling overwhelmed and not organized living in the midst of clutter and chaos, I can’t serve him and I won’t be cognitive to provide him his three basic needs which my husband says are FAS-food-nutritious, affirmation, and sex. The other need my husband has is to discover, communicate and move his vision for our family.

My Reason for a Biblical Mindset
The reason I have this mindset is because I respect the position of authority my husbands been given by God. I want to honor God, I want to partner with God and make my man shine and I want to get reward for having the "heart" toward what God says is true.

The Glasses We Wear - Builds Up or Tears Down
The way a wife views her husband as spiritual leader or not will determine IF she creates sanctuary and IF she tears her house down or IF she builds it up.

Evangelical Feminists
In light of that, I’m sure I’m going to tweak some of you egalitarian women (evangelical feminists.) An egalitarian feminist is one who believes that men and women are equal in essence (God does and I do) and equal in places of authority (God doesn’t and I don’t). That equality depends upon their gifts or maturity – but NOT on an intrinsic authority.

Basically this woman says (in her "heart" attitude and actions), "I’ll respect this man IF he earns my respect." Watch out men – this gal has a big yard stick that you will NEVER measure up to and you’ll be fighting for your place of authority until she GETS it or you give up.

God Says
God says that men and women are equal in value and dignity.

God also says that men and women are distinct in their roles at home and in the church. If you don’t believe me, read Ephesians 5:23-25. It says the husband is the head of the wife. Some egalitarian feminist "Christian" women would like to translate that as "source" and not having anything to do with "authority", but Paul understood "head" as authority. If this messes with your "head" do a study on it.

God says (Genesis 3, Ephesians 5:23-25 and 1 Corinthians 11:3) that my husband (and yours) is the one placed in authority to lead – humbly, lovingly, strongly, gently and in ways that bring glory to Jesus and maturity me and our family. My husband and yours will answer to God for how and where they have led us. We will answer to how we followed - grumbling and complaining and critical or in gentle humility trusting God with the results (always good character gotten here). One note here...the ONLY place we don't follow a husband is INTO sin.

I (and you) am in the following position. My husband (and yours) has been given authority by God to lead his family.

It’s interesting that even in the context of 1 Peter 3: 1-6, Peter writes that wives are to follow with a gentle spirit even IF he’s not acting like he’s following God’s instruction. Even if our husbands seems as if they are not going in the right direction we still follow.

Manipulation, Control and Fear
If we give way to fear – then we’ll most likely manipulate them with our emotions or criticism and then they’ll "give in" and in time give up. We’ll end up having the kind of marriage we don’t really want. God forbid that I manipulate him out of my fears and he succumb to how I think he should lead me (except in ways of sin). My husband knows that no matter how hard I might fight and kick, I don’t want him to give into my fears and let those be a reason for how he leads.

Men are Leaders - Period.
A man is born to be a leader and they are no matter how they lead.

Different Kinds of Leaders
Some husbands are passive leaders. "Oh, where do you want to go honey? Oh, OK. I guess that’s OK, we’ll go that direction." This leader has probably heard things like, "If you were a real leader . . . you’d consider how I feel about this and do what I want." There’s been a struggle for control long enough and he’s given up. His initiation ability is out the window. Unfortunately, he’s still leading by not leading. More on this subject for another post.

Some husbands are the abdicators, "Whatever dear." This guy wants to avoid confrontation. He’s beaten down by the criticism of his wife so much and most likely can’t get a word in edge-wise. So, he just doesn’t have the umph to fight the fight for leadership. Unfortunately, he’s still leading by not leading. More on what to do here on another post.

Some are the dominators, "You do what I say. Period." Dominator men are hard men to live with. The root of their fear and how they lead can come from different roots and I won't digress here.

One thing I can say is that perhaps there’s been this battle for control (and it might not have been with his wife – but more so his mother or it's what his father modeled) and because he's been battling his mode of operand becomes to demand and dominate. He’s afraid of losing control so all he’ll do is control.

I’ve seen some wives beaten down from this kind of marriage and my heart goes out to them and my encouragement is to grace the crud and speak to the core (another post worthy of explanation on another day). The wife of this man must do lots of encouragement and praying. Lots of respectful quietness and taking those disappointments to God as a personal appointment.

I’ve also seen wives married to this kind of guy that have no clue HOW to be her husband’s companion or complementer. Perhaps she started out competing from the get go. Unfortunately, he’s still leading by not leading gently and in God’s ways.

Heart Toward Husbands Relates to Everything
Why am I addressing this "heart" issue toward the position of authority a husband has? Because it relates to why we create sanctuary and how we create it and it relates to how we become an on-purpose home keeper.

More on Monday – I’m taking a Sabbath rest until then on this subject. Here's part 4 and here's part 3!

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DEANNA said...

Hi Miss Lylah~ you have no idea how much I need this post. I am in the drudgery stage and need to snap out of it. I have not read the entire post but will over the next day! I love this one!!

Lylah said...

deanna woman....thanks! that's awfully encouraging. it's hard and yet this is God's way. i love u and miss u....