Friday, November 20, 2009

How You Relate To Your Dad = How You Relate To Your Husband

This was posted a year or so ago and after talking to a good friend - I felt it time to do a repost. I imagine someone is stuck with their husband and needs to have a little understanding as to why and perhaps what to do with it. . . meaning. . . resolve with dad has to happen.

Relating to Husband, Relating to Dad

How you related (or didn't relate) to your dad has set you up to how you relate (or didn't relate) to your dad (or don't relate) to your husband. Understanding the patterns of how you related to your dad will help reveal the present patterns of how you relate to your husband or how you will relate to a future husband.

If you related to your dad in an unhealthy way (probably modeled by your mother and haven't yet resolved the past and don't understand the Bible way to do so), then you'll probably have some issues to work through so you can relate to your husband biblically.

Any "unbiblical messages" from dad will be the "grid" in which you operate in your marriage. If these "unbiblical messages" aren't recognized, chances are you might be tearing down your house by emasculating your husband by controlling or mothering him (ignorantly). Perhaps you're stepping into his arenas of God-given responsibilities.

When girls don't get the God-intended building blocks (especially from Dad), they tend to grow up feeling insecure and unprotected. They grow up feeling unacceptable with little value. This girl will become a woman who will potentially struggle with body image, self-nurturing tendencies (shopping, eating), controlling tendencies, or even an imbalanced dependency on men or an imbalanced independence from men. She will most likely look for love in all the wrong places and give herself sexually before marriage.

The precious woman will probably get good at manipulation and control because of the turmoil of hurt and resentment will leave her too vulnerable if she doesn't self-protect through controlling her outside world.

This woman might struggle with competing rather than complementing her husband and thus begin to tear her house down with her own hands (Proverbs 14:1).

She'll tend to marry a man who is passive or passive-aggressive (both angry men) who don't understand let alone live out their biblical manhood job description. It will be an angry marriage where often the relational dynamics are like father/child. She might end up being with a dominate abuser because she isn't aware of her own value and worth as a woman. Her husband doesn't see her as a gift either.

These can be some "rotten fruits" of undealt with father wounds for women. God loves women. He grieves but women struggle with getting there. It's not until someone tells her that she needs to take a look at the inner turmoil that aches in her soul because of some of dad's missing building blocks.

The Fix?
The Fix can be a long, slow one and it's "fixed" through relationships. We get damaged in relationships and we get healed in healing relationships. Women heal with women and men heal with men.

The first steps are to learn what it means to be accepted and loved by God just as we are. We are glorious (yet fallen) Image Bearers. We are cleansed Daughters. It's Jesus that made us beautiful for the Father.

Next in the steps of healing are to be taught right doctrine and to have a right (biblical) view of God, of self, of others. We need to understand how to do relationships biblically.

Women need to understand what appropriate boundaries are, how to rightly respect (and understand the principles on the Princess Pathway, accept others where they are at, believe the best and even release others to grow on their own. I'd also say that a woman needs to see herself as His Princess and she need to learn His dance for her - with Him. That dance is such an anchor in a moment of pain.

Prayer is key to walking a healing path. Journaling is also needed (you can only view this in Explorer). Creating safe places with safe people who will "hear the heart" to undo the blocks around the heart is imperative. In a sense we allow God to give back to us the blocks we didn't get by being in a relationship with safe people and by allowing ourselves to become vulnerable with one or more trusted women who will "hear our case and NOT fix us."

A woman must also take authority back from those she's allowed to define her. Anyone who you seek to "people-please" you'll tend to live by their rules and their yardstick rather than live by Gods. If we don't live by how God defines us, we'll stay stuck. A woman must learn to love and accept herself the way her Abba Father does.

Finally, but definitely not conclusively, a woman must learn about her feminine design and she must understand what her own biblical job description is.

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Parisienne Farmgirl said...

It took MANY MANY years of marriage to learn the joy that comes in just plain respecting hubby - getting a handle on MY MOUTH!
What a happier home we have now!