Thursday, May 29, 2008

hurt, anger and unrealistic expectations

When I feel hurt, because of a legitimate God-given need for love and value is NOT met—and when a sense of injustice rises—or the emotion of anger is triggered and I feel the tension of wanting it perfect now (my need met) - what I do in that moment— matters.

Will I choose to let anger drive me to the arena of hurt, disappointment, sadness, loneliness—the Lord’s arena of fellowship OR will I choose to let anger drive me to the rocks in the garden—where I pick them up and use them to control/manipulate to get my legitimate needs met in an illegitimate, sinful way?

Anger reveals that you’ve made a judgment (James 2:13) about the person who has hurt you. It can be a real or a perceived INJUSTICE. You’ve come to a conclusion based on an expectation or on your values. When someone doesn’t come through for me—like I think they should—I get angry—to get my way. Anger can display itself as jealousy and it can look syrupy sweet (James 3:14). Man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires (James 1:20).

On a Side Note:
What I ”think” about a (certain) situation or how “I think life should be” will give a platform for emotion to be productive or unproductive.

Wrong thinking (contrary to God’s) is the realm where VOWS are made. These are where the “I will nevers.” occur. Vows are the glue that keep Idols together.

What are Unrealistic Expectations
Unrealistic expections are a demand that someone should “be” a certain way all the time, and if they are NOT, you’ll withhold affection from them. You anticipate they will behave in a way that will NOT hurt you or disappoint you. You live by unenforceable rules and if someone breaks your rule, you get angry (explode/implode).

God will NEVER disappoint, and will ALWAYS meet your need for love and purpose so you can raise your level of expectation to the highest degree with Him. It’s just that when it comes to people you have to have a realistic expectation of them meeting your needs, AND a strategy (to accept them where they are at and how to make a request—not a demand) when they don’t.

It is just as much sin to have HIGH expectations of people as it is to have too LOW of expectations. Low expectations point to a “fear” and “self-protection” attitude that says, “I just won’t expect anything from them this way I’ll never get hurt or disappointed.” Helllllooooooooooo.

The abundant and rich life comes from developing good relationships with people, and that only happens when TRUST is developed and cultivated. That comes from certain (realistic) expectations you have of people—which sets you up for developing trust, as well as being deeply disappointed. Oh well, that’s life!

Remember, disappointment is your appointment with God. And since HE will never disappoint, guess who God is using to do the disappointing? Disappointment is opportunity for fellowship with Jesus.

What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is basically imposing your own high standards on someone else. A perfectionist is a critical person.

What is Control?
Controling people have this underlying thinking that says, “I expect you to behave according to my standards, I will do anything (control, manipulate, use guilt, self-pity, pout, withhold, withdraw) to get my way—now—even if the benefit is momentary and temporary.

The wise (mature) woman of God will understand that pain, loss, hurt and disappointment are God’s gifts. It’s in those moments that fellowship with Jesus can be most sweet. We are to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry because the anger of man doesn’t bring about the righteous life that God desires (James 1: 19-20). God is slow to anger.

You are mature if you have learned how to live with the pure emotions of: hurt, disappointment, loss, sadness and weakness and if you understand how to go to the Lord with it. The reality is—is that LIFE HAS HURT, DISAPPOINTMENT, WEAKNESS, REJECTION, SICKNESS, LOSS AND LOTS OF PAIN.

The question a woman must ask is: Why, then do I try to live my life as if “there shouldn’t be any of this?”

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singlemomforgod said...

wow you must have read my post today.... I am getting all sorts of self truth today!!!

Lylah said...

hi there beautiful woman....i didn't read your post...but think i'll scoot over there and see what you wrote....


AZ Chica said...

Great post! Thanks for the reminder!!! Life does have hurt, disappointment, etc...I KNOW!!!!! :0) along with all the good. I think alot of it boils down to having the right attitude, and learning and growing from each one of our circumstances.
Love ya!!

BreAnna said...

I use to go to a bible group called understanding anger. A book that helped me was called Idols of the heart. It talked a lot how we have these expectations that cannot be met and we make some of these ideas idols, like the perfect husabnd or perfect kids, and when it doesn't meet we get angry and upset. We have this little perfect world in our head and personally when my husband didn't meet my perfect little world I was so angry and I didn't understand that I was placing my wishes my ideas above God. I Idols It talked a little about Rachel and Jacob and how she placed her womb as a idol. She could only be happy if... She had children then she will be complete. There was a saying in the book. "I will be complete if _____" and if you answer that with anything besides Jesus then that is an Idol. I know a lot of people view Idols as a object and not as an Idea but anything we put before God is an Idol.

Anonymous said... always, God is right on time. I really needed to hear this message. I'm smack in the middle of what you were talking about. Like you said, there may be legitimate reasons for our hurts or disappointments. For me it is deeply rooted by infidelity & abuse. I've backslidden in my heart from the things of the Lord. Of course, you know how that works, more hurt & disappointment. You see, I'm the Christian is my family, so for me it's a real struggle, flesh against the spirit. I hate what I've become! I know I have to get back to HIM, but it's easier said than done. I know I'm a very hurt & selfish person. The thing that kills me is that I'm not a very good example to my children, even to my unsaved husband. Lylah, thank you for letting the Lord speak through you to me, us. I'm in awe how He never leaves me nor forsakes me. I'm so unworthy of His love.