Friday, August 29, 2008


Recently I wrote this post: Resisting to Become Irresistible and the astounding number of "hits" communicated loud and clear that this whole dating thing subject is something women want to know about.

I have the privilege of mentoring many young and not so young women and one of their greatest tensions is living with the longing attached to the unanswered question: What's wrong with me? Why am I'm not married? Why does the guy not commit himself to me? What's wrong with me?

Many precious (worthy wife women) think that maybe God has no one for them. If they desire to be married - then God does have someone for them to learn to follow and show respect to.

My answer is: It's not that there's something wrong with you (except if you operate out of fear and start controlling - and if you haven't been mentored and don't understand biblical womanhood). - Many good men today are simply passive and don't know that God wired them with everything they needs to initiate, pursue and conquer The Girl. They let their fear of intimacy override their testosterone (the kick to pursue and conquor).

One thing I know and have observed is IF The Guy doesn't know WHO he is WHOSE he is and WHAT he's here for and WHERE he's going - his confidence wanes and he goes from girl to girl because he gets close enough - then fear sets in and he goes no further and then often he'll blame the girl for NOT being THE one - when in fact - she was. He doesn't understand that he can lead. He can have meaningful conversations. He can have vision that she'll follow. He can succeed with God on his side. And, he can Go Get the Girl!

Rarely, it's The Girl who gets freaked out and bales - even when she's committed to not doing that!

Here's my Ten Tips to Get The Girl!

1. Recognize that God made The Guy with everything he needs to pursue - not be passive but to hunt, initiate, pursue and conquer The Girl.

My husband says that passivity is the fruit of fear of failure or success. Thus men don't pursue. My husband says that when a man isn't CENTERED he struggles with pursuing. One of the reasons The Guy doesn't pursue is that he already "feels" as if he is a failure. It's often the big bulls eye on a The Guy's chest. Hunting for and pursuing The Girl sometimes only magnifies The Guy's inner pain of outright failure.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

2. Recognize that God designed The Girl (no matter what she thinks) to need and love being pursued and then gently conquered. It's difficult for a woman to give her heart to The Guy who isn't initiating and pursuing - because it's not clear how the relationship is defined.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

3. Recognize that it's The Guy's job to define the relationship and if she's a worthy woman (to be a wife) she'll wait until The Guy does so. If The Guy expects The Girl to define the relationship then she's being put in the control seat and should the relationship continue The Guy's at risk of resenting her. Why? Because The Guy's the leader, the conqueror and the one who gives voice and direction to the relationship.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

4. Recognize that Girls are responders and they were designed to follow. That's a hard thing today, but it's God's way and it works best. The Guy leads and The Girl follows. If The Guy doesn't take the lead then it's possible he'll feel manipulated by The Girl.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

5. Recognize that The Girl needs The Guy's strength, his kindness and to be delighted in by him. She truly is a princess and don't be intimated by her princess-ness - that's really God's gift to The Guy - in time - once he's Gotten The Girl.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

6. Recognize that if The Girl is trying to change The Guy - he should run. She's not ready to respect The Guy and appreciate his manhood and it just won't work. When The Guy believes he's the King and walks like the King (humility and gentleness) he'll have eyes to see the Queen. If The Girl isn't walking like a Queen and he's walking like a King - he won't recognize The Girl - because he's looking for a Queen.

7. Recognize that if The Guy hasn't pursued The Girl - it's of great value for The Guy to see if he's tied to his mother's apron strings, or tied to The Girl from his past that wounded his man-ness by rejecting him or if he has a wrong view of his man-ness by carrying around a yardstick that God doesn't even measure him by.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

8. Recognize it's really important that The Guy has finished his business with Mama in order to pursue The Girl.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

9. Recognize that The Best Girl The Guy can Go Get - is the one he sees serving and submitting. Girls this is a hint. Jacob found Rebbecca serving and submitting - by getting water for thirsty camels. Boaz found Ruth serving and submitting in the field. David saw Abigail serving and submitted by actually recognizing David's protection of her husband's riches.

Girls - be the beauty worth pursuing.

10. Recognize that gives The Guy vision for his family. The Best Girl understands vision and will come alongside The Guy's vision and be the wind under The Guy's wings.

Here's a man (my man) with vision!
Got questions - need help? Guy's can email my husband, Michael -

Be Fair to The Girl
1. Girls already feel insecure and rejected and when guys are "just friends" with girls, it often makes them more insecure. That's not fair.
2. Don't string a girl along. Girls often give their whole heart away while the guy is still thinking IF she's a candidate. That can wound her. That's not fair.
3. Don't expect the girl to read your mind. Communicate your intent to her. Otherwise, that's not fair.

What To Look for In The Girl
1. You'll never find the 'perfect' girl. If she's submitted, serving and is willing to follow you to the ends of the earth and even live in a box, then she's The Girl. She follows your vision - not hers otherwise she's not The Girl (for you). Ask The Girl, "What do you want most? Marriage to your ministry or marriage to a man?" Her answer must line up with her behavior - after you define the relationship.
2. Don't evaluate The Girl by her outer beauty. That'll fade. See her heart, her inner quiet beauty that is worth more than a boat load of rubies.
3. Can you trust her heart? (Her answer to Question # 1 will reveal that.) Will she do you good? Then put the ring on her finger.
4. When looking for wife, look for one that's gentle and tender, frugal, creative, not a gossip, modest, a hard worker, wise, resourceful, compassionate, not argumentative, dignified, thinks ahead and is willing to serve and put her hands to the task. Look for a wife with a sense of humor - one that laughs and enjoys life.
5. Look for The Girl who has been mentored by an older woman - like myself! Get The Girl who reads the Lylah Blog and wants to learn from it.
6. Look for The Girl who loves and follows Jesus above all else, lives by His word and is running to win Him as her prize and seeking to get reward on That Day.


Stumble Upon Toolbar


Anonymous said...

that is the best, clear, and definitive mandate I've read in recent days as it relates to the tension experienced by single men and women in today's culture and society. It will be worth passing on to friends and others.

Blake said...

I don't remember for sure how I landed here, but I'm glad I did. That is some seriously good advice- I'll be saving the link! :D

Even though a lot of guys wouldn't be caught reading stuff like this (even though they like too), it's definitely beneficial.