Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Vows - Part One

We all make vows and from personal experience and observation of other women, I know how they can play a key role in our unhealthy patterns of thinking, our (skewed) view of life and the way we "do" relationships.

Vows (good and not so good) are internal commitments we make when a life event happens that creates a sense of confusion, causes us pain and leaves us with this sense of "coming up short" in life.

Any place where you believe there's been an injustice done to you (God, father, mother, others who abandoned you, hurt you, rejected you, or haven't measured up to your expectations - real or perceived) is a place where you probably have made a secret vow.

Vows I Made
I remember making a vow to never let a man hurt me again. Internally, I vowed to protect myself because in my opinion (based upon my past experience & pain) men couldn't and shouldn't be trusted.

My first marriage was incredibly abusive. Trust had been broken on every level. So, when I married Michael (bless his heart), I carried those vows with me and I developed subtle controlling ways to satisfy my vows of never getting close enough (vulnerability) to hurt again, feel confused or be rejected. I'd reject first so that I couldn't be rejected (bitterness).

I did not trust let alone respect his God-given authority and I surely thought I knew how to do things better than he did (just a different style of doing things) because I'd done it alone (before) and I did a good job.

I believed (based on my past experience with a man) that he couldn't and wouldn't meet any needs that I had let alone protect me and therefore I'd (inadvertently) take control of everything around me to protect myself, meet my own needs (self-nurturing through shopping and eating) because I'd been hurt before and couldn't trust any man.

Why was I knee-jerking to just about everything in this relationship? Why was I making conclusions and locking my husband into a pattern that didn't exist? It was because I had this this unhealthy vow ruminating deep in my feminine soul and because I was bitter and didn't know it.

It was ultimately God (it always goes back to being angry at God) who I believed dealt me the short end of the life's stick and I was going to take control. God didn't protect me or provide for me and so now I would.

Tomorrow I'll post Vows - Part Two (about knee jerk reactions).

Related Posts
1. Thirst and Pain - Who is Doing Yours?
2. Let's Get Real About our Anger
3. Learning to Grieve Well
4. A Woman's Relationship with Her Dad
5. Vows - Part 2

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Mrs. Sidney said...

What a powerful post!!

MelodyNicole said...

Hi Mrs. Lylah,
Thank you so much for this post - I'm currently dealing with this exact issue in my life and so to read your experience/advice was very helpful. I thank God that we do have the victory over this area through Jesus Christ!
I just recently found your blog and I really appreciate the encouragement you have posted about keeping the home and placing priority on our God-given relationships.
May the Lord bless you!