Friday, August 08, 2008

My thoughts on the Bride who is waiting

My heart is for every woman who longs to be married to be married. I fully understand the longing and I fully understand the growth process a woman must go through in order to be confident in WHO she is and learn to walk in that confidence. A few posts back I wrote another article for the Bride in Waiting. Today, I felt led to post a part two.

One of the core issues that most women struggle with is: knowing they are a treasure (and the best thing since sliced bread) and walking confidently as if they were a treasure (the best thing since sliced bread), because they are.

If a woman - married or not yet married can't say, "YES, I like myself. I'm a ten!" Then she doesn't understand how much God thinks she's a ten and she is still living under someone else's definition of who she is - and most likely that will be dad (and often mom).

Who has defined you?
In order for a bride in waiting (and a married woman) to walk in who she REALLY is, she's got to:
1. take away the authority that's been given to others to define her and
2. she's got to line her heart up with the truth of how God defines her.

Until this happens, she'll keep selling herself short to men and experience rejection and stay in the cycle of rejection.

Walk as if you were and so you will be . . .
I tell the women I disciple to walk as if you were and so you will be. There's something about just practicing walking like the treasure, the bride, the queen, the lovely, soft, feminine woman that you are. One of my women said, "So, Lylah - fake it until I make it?"

My answer, "Yes....walk in what isn't natural so that one day, it will be....cause that's who you really are anyway."

If I'm a treasure, then why. . .
The feminine soul of the woman who lacks confidence, will ask questions like:

If I am a treasure, then why doesn't he see me as
a treasure and why does he keep looking for other treasures?

Often the problem with that question is that it's not the right question. The right question is something like, "Am I his treasure or am I being held as another man's treasure?"

The tension of my sisters . . .
The tension lies in the reality that it's up to the man to determine if you will be his treasure.

It's not in your hands. It's totally in the hands of God and the man. He's initiator - you're responder.

Whether or not that's the choice of God and/or this man, it must not affect your identity. You must be able to say with confidence: I still know, and carry myself as God's treasure.

God opens the eyes in 3 ways . . .
God has to open the man's eyes to three revelations:
1) that YOU ARE indeed a treasure to God (if he doesn't see this, then it's his problem...his blindness)
2) that God is giving YOU, HIS treasure to him (he may even see that you indeed are a treasure, but . . .
3) . . . the next step is the man's . . . the man then, must be the one to now receive this treasure.

In other words, once the first two revelations have been received, he must take that leadership step of faith (and initiation) to give voice to define the relationship.

My husband says that usually, at this point, the man still may be afraid, or ignorant that it's his turn to lead - to define the relationship. The exception to this is if the man is "ga-ga" head over heels in love. In this case, he's not paying attention to his fear of commitment and will speak his heart without thinking too much about what his commitment entails; therefore, he will initiate without fear.

However, if that's not the case, he must take the lead, and the woman must wait for him to do so. If she jumps in during this time (as he wrestles with his fears) and if she initiates and tries to define the relationship (i.e. "Wow! God gave us to each other!!"), he will not be "owning" it - and ownership is such a key factor for the man's follow through.

My husband also says, that ignorance - not just fear - may be a factor here. The man, in many cases, may see this woman as God's treasure and his treasure, but he may not know that it's his turn to give voice to define the relationship and express his feelings.

He may think that "God will do it all" or "Well, she must know how I feel toward her - so words are unnecessary . . . besides, I'm no good with words, especially when I'm feeling these deep feelings."

This passive approach - whether out of ignorance or fear, or both, will bring confusion to the relationship as well as temptation for the woman to initiate. Yet, if the woman is godly, if she doesn't "give way to fear" and trusts the Lord, eventually, the Lord has ways to give the man the appropriate nudge, even if He resorts to the ol' 2 X 4.

To sum up, you (or any woman) must...

1) Understand that you are a delight, a treasure to God
2) Wait for God to open his eyes to see the truth that you indeed are a treasure, and also that God is saying to him, "I will share this treasure with you."

The tension lies in the reality that he may see the treasure you are, but, for a hundred different reasons, he may not see you as the one God is saying "This is the one."

Whether he does or does not, has nothing to do with the reality of who you are or what you do. This, is the tension of the "mystery" category.

Don't sell yourself short. . .
If a relationship doesn't move to phase 2 - his eyes are open and he sees you as God's treasure and his treasure and if you don't have confidence in WHO and WHOSE you are, then you'll probably begin to play God and invite unnecessary rejection upon yourself. You'll sell yourself short.

How do you sell herself short?
You ask the wrong questions.
Questions such as: "What did I do? I must be unlovable...", Why am I not good enough, etc."

Again, this is in the mystery compartment and ought to stay there.

Listen to this Proverb:

Prov 30:18, 19: There are three things too wonderful for me to understand-no, four!

How an eagle glides through the sky. How a serpent crawls upon a rock.How a ship finds its way across the heaving ocean. The growth of love between a man and a girl. TLB

If this is a mystery to the writer of Scripture, I think it would be safe to keep this in the mystery category for all of us. This is holy and we just get into soul pain when we touch what is holy. We end up getting more confused when we try to figure out and control a mystery....

3) Wait for him to initiate, to lead - to define the relationship, to share his feelings toward you, to make clear his choice to move ahead in the relationship (phase two).

Whether or not he sees you as a treasure, or, he sees you as his treasure, does not determine the fact that you are a treasure to God - and God sees things as they really are.

You are not waiting for him to believe that you are a treasure. You must know this first...then, God can open his eyes.

If you don't know this, he will sense that you are too dependent on him as your "define-er" - and that will push him away - and rightly so, because a man wants a woman who makes God her "Define-er." My husband says that it's too much of a burden on a man to put that on him.

My husband says that the man will be thinking, "If I don't see her this way, as a treasure, she'll fall apart..."

. . . from Michael, "Personally speaking, I don't always see my wife this way - but not because she ISN'T a treasure always. She IS. It's just that my own foolishness and selfishness blinds me.

My love can be shallow and I may not be able to look past some of my wife's faults and may reject her. But, even when I do, and she is hurt, but she doesn't fall apart. That's because she has built that altar with her and her Lord. She knows that she is a treasure because she heard that from her Lord (and He sees things clearly). So, she not only doesn't fall apart, but she can express her hurt to me with grace (feeling compassion for this poor blind husband).

So, the question that one ought to be asking in this situation is: "Father, what are you showing me to see, to do, and, what are You doing in this situation... teach me to wait on You."
In the meantime study what it means to be a home keeper.

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singlemomforgod said...

God whispered in your ear and told you what to write, and he knew that I needed to hear this today- He is such an AWESOME husband!

Mrs. T said...

Beautiful words :)

singlemomforgod said...


I did finish reading both of your posts on this issue and I will try to keep my words few. What you said is so true, to the core, to the point. Those of us who are truly seeking God, seeking, not requesting really need to spend our time in waiting growing closer to him. We should ask him what he sees in us, write down those fruits of the spirit that we need to posess as Chrisitians and even more so as wives and mothers. We must posess these before moving to such a huge step. What we do will have an impact on not just us but our family. We also need to remember to ask God to reveal to us the traits that our un-revealed husbands are looking for. God knows who he created for us, and I believe that he will not join two people together who have requested one thing of him but posess another, this would contradict his word when he tells us that he will give us the delight of our hearts... How sad would it be if we asked God for an apple and he gave us an apple seed , because we couldn't wait for the apple to grow?? I could go on and on for days but I will stop here. Thank yo for this post and I look forward to reading more. Also please feel free to visit my blog and pass the word about it !

Christina said...

Another awesome post Lylah! My divorce was final today. My ex did not see me as a treasure or treat me as such. Deep down I know that I am but it will take some time to get rid of all the negative thought and comments I heard over the years. This gives me a place to start that journey.

Lylah said...

OH . . . beautiful Christina, thanks for being so vulnerable to share. My heart goes out to you. Even though there is a divorce from a man not seeing a woman as a treasure, it is still tough. The end of what could have been, ought to have been, and yet wasn't. You ar right to say that the negative thoughts - those that - are entwined in your head and heart will take time to unravel. I'm thankful that I could be used as a starting place toward you seeing just how beautiful you really are.

I'll carry you in my heart too.

Lylah said...

Single mom . . . i just love your heart...thanks for sharing...

i carry you in my heart. . . .

Ann said...

I found you through Mom Bloggers Club.
What a wonderful site you have here!

Lauren said...

Great post! I am reading Captivating right now, and your post go right along with the chapter I am in. Thank you.