My thoughts on the Bride who is waiting

My heart is for every woman who longs to be married to be married. I fully understand the longing and I fully understand the growth process a woman must go through in order to be confident in WHO she is and learn to walk in that confidence. A few posts back I wrote another article for the Bride in Waiting. Today, I felt led to post a part two.

One of the core issues that most women struggle with is: knowing they are a treasure (and the best thing since sliced bread) and walking confidently as if they were a treasure (the best thing since sliced bread), because they are.

If a woman - married or not yet married can't say, "YES, I like myself. I'm a ten!" Then she doesn't understand how much God thinks she's a ten and she is still living under someone else's definition of who she is - and most likely that will be dad (and often mom).

Who has defined you?

In order for a bride in waiting (and a married woman) to walk in who she REALLY is, she's got to:

1. take away the authority that's been given to others to define her and

2. she's got to line her heart up with the truth of how God defines her.

Until this happens, she'll keep selling herself short to men and experience rejection and stay in the cycle of rejection.

Walk as if you were and so you will be . . .

I tell the women I disciple to walk as if you were and so you will be. There's something about just practicing walking like the treasure, the bride, the queen, the lovely, soft, feminine woman that you are. One of my women said, "So, Lylah - fake it until I make it?"

My answer, "Yes....walk in what isn't natural so that one day, it will be....cause that's who you really are anyway."

If I'm a treasure, then why. . .

The feminine soul of the woman who lacks confidence, will ask questions like:

If I am a treasure, then why doesn't he see me as

a treasure and why does he keep looking for other treasures?

Often the problem with that question is that it's not the right question. The right question is something like, "Am I his treasure or am I being held as another man's treasure?"

The tension of my sisters . . .

The tension lies in the reality that it's up to the man to determine if you will be his treasure.

It's not in your hands. It's totally in the hands of God and the man. He's initiator - you're responder.

Whether or not that's the choice of God and/or this man, it must not affect your identity. You must be able to say with confidence: I still know, and carry myself as God's treasure.

God opens the eyes in 3 ways . . .

God has to open the man's eyes to three revelations:
1) that YOU ARE indeed a treasure to God (if he doesn't see this, then it's his problem...his blindness)
2) that God is giving YOU, HIS treasure to him (he may even see that you indeed are a treasure, but . . .
3) . . . the next step is the man's . . . the man then, must be the one to now receive this treasure.

In other words, once the first two revelations have been received, he must take that leadership step of faith (and initiation) to give voice to define the relationship.

My husband says that usually, at this point, the man still may be afraid, or ignorant that it's his turn to lead - to define the relationship. The exception to this is if the man is "ga-ga" head over heels in love. In this case, he's not paying attention to his fear of commitment and will speak his heart without thinking too much about what his commitment entails; therefore, he will initiate without fear.

However, if that's not the case, he must take the lead, and the woman must wait for him to do so. If she jumps in during this time (as he wrestles with his fears) and if she initiates and tries to define the relationship (i.e. "Wow! God gave us to each other!!"), he will not be "owning" it - and ownership is such a key factor for the man's follow through.

My husband also says, that ignorance - not just fear - may be a factor here. The man, in many cases, may see this woman as God's treasure and his treasure, but he may not know that it's his turn to give voice to define the relationship and express his feelings.

He may think that "God will do it all" or "Well, she must know how I feel toward her - so words are unnecessary . . . besides, I'm no good with words, especially when I'm feeling these deep feelings."

This passive approach - whether out of ignorance or fear, or both, will bring confusion to the relationship as well as temptation for the woman to initiate. Yet, if the woman is godly, if she doesn't "give way to fear" and trusts the Lord, eventually, the Lord has ways to give the man the appropriate nudge, even if He resorts to the ol' 2 X 4.

To sum up, you (or any woman) must...
1) Understand that you are a delight, a treasure to God
2) Wait for God to open his eyes to see the truth that you indeed are a treasure, and also that God is saying to him, "I will share this treasure with you."

The tension lies in the reality that he may see the treasure you are, but, for a hundred different reasons, he may not see you as the one God is saying "This is the one."

Whether he does or does not, has nothing to do with the reality of who you are or what you do. This, is the tension of the "mystery" category.

Don't sell yourself short. . .

If a relationship doesn't move to phase 2 - his eyes are open and he sees you as God's treasure and his treasure and if you don't have confidence in WHO and WHOSE you are, then you'll probably begin to play God and invite unnecessary rejection upon yourself. You'll sell yourself short.

How do you sell herself short?

You ask the wrong questions.

Questions such as: "What did I do? I must be unlovable...", Why am I not good enough, etc."

Again, this is in the mystery compartment and ought to stay there.

Listen to this Proverb:
Prov 30:18, 19: There are three things too wonderful for me to understand-no, four!

How an eagle glides through the sky. How a serpent crawls upon a rock.How a ship finds its way across the heaving ocean. The growth of love between a man and a girl. TLB

If this is a mystery to the writer of Scripture, I think it would be safe to keep this in the mystery category for all of us. This is holy and we just get into soul pain when we touch what is holy. We end up getting more confused when we try to figure out and control a mystery....

3) Wait for him to initiate, to lead - to define the relationship, to share his feelings toward you, to make clear his choice to move ahead in the relationship (phase two).

Whether or not he sees you as a treasure, or, he sees you as his treasure, does not determine the fact that you are a treasure to God - and God sees things as they really are.

You are not waiting for him to believe that you are a treasure. You must know this first...then, God can open his eyes.

If you don't know this, he will sense that you are too dependent on him as your "define-er" - and that will push him away - and rightly so, because a man wants a woman who makes God her "Define-er." My husband says that it's too much of a burden on a man to put that on him.

My husband says that the man will be thinking, "If I don't see her this way, as a treasure, she'll fall apart..."

. . . from Michael, "Personally speaking, I don't always see my wife this way - but not because she ISN'T a treasure always. She IS. It's just that my own foolishness and selfishness blinds me.

My love can be shallow and I may not be able to look past some of my wife's faults and may reject her. But, even when I do, and she is hurt, but she doesn't fall apart. That's because she has built that altar with her and her Lord. She knows that she is a treasure because she heard that from her Lord (and He sees things clearly). So, she not only doesn't fall apart, but she can express her hurt to me with grace (feeling compassion for this poor blind husband).

So, the question that one ought to be asking in this situation is: "Father, what are you showing me to see, to do, and, what are You doing in this situation... teach me to wait on You."

In the meantime study what it means to be a home keeper.

My thoughts on the Bride who is waiting

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-thoughts-on-bride-who-is-waiting.html

Trusting God with Your Life to Be a Wife

Trusting God for a husband can surely create a tension in the feminine soul of a woman who longs to fulfill that which God created her to fulfill. According to Genesis 1 and 2 and 1 Corinthians 11:9, God created woman for the man, and just about every little girl dreams of the day she’ll be the beauty wearing the beautiful white dress.

Equipped in Everyway

God deposited everything in a woman to be a man’s creative counterpart, to partner with the man (a one-flesh ministry) for God’s Kingdom purposes. He’s equipped her or wired her to be his support, confidant, complement-or, encourager, lover and friend. She is designed to be the wind in his wings. She wasn’t designed nor delegated to be his mother – telling him what to do or how to do it. Nor has she been commissioned to take the weight of responsibility off of him by taking over by leading him. She was created to follow.

What's a Girl to Do? Just Wait Here?

So, what does a single woman do? How does she live in a state of contentment until God opens the eyes of the man that He has for her? How does she wait in peace and trust until HE sees her and pursues her? How does she not initiate, but wait?

Perhaps you’ve been a wife, but through life’s fallen-ness, your marriage failed. And, now there’s this unmet longing, again…to come alongside a man and be his love.

My encouragement to the woman in a season of singleness is to settle down into the Woman’s Place and stop trying to find your husband, because if you find him and pursue him, he’ll probably be a weak leader.

The Woman's Place

Finding and staying in The Woman’s Place is key to waiting in peace. The Woman's Place is a place of getting to really know God and really know yourself in light of who He is. The Woman’s Place is also that place of waiting, trusting, praying and allowing God to prepare you as a Bride – just like He did Esther.

If you’re not in this Woman’s Place, then I’m assuming your level of peace and contentment is just about nil. And, to be honest, what man is drawn to a discontented, anxious woman anyway? I'll tell you what kind. . . the kind that is looking for easy prey who will sell themselves short for a quick night of sex.

The Man's Place
I love Webster's definition of pursue: to follow in order to overtake or capture; chase; to follow (a specified course, action), to strive for, to continue to annoy.

Men must pursue. In a relationship waiting to be developed, the man, if he is a good and godly man—rightly related to God, will be the pursuer of the relationship. God designed and commissioned men to be leaders, hunters, conquerors, and pursuers.

If you are one who has initiated or pursued a man, just stop it. Do you know you’re stripping your femininity of it’s beauty?

Girl, you WANT a strong man to find you and lead you. You want a leader—not a follower, and, if you initiate, (synonyms—begin, start, instruct) then you have set yourself up to have a follower. If a man does not initiate, then he’s not mature enough, hasn’t been around some good strong men enough, and probably has a bunch of mother issues anyway. Let him go. Wait for God.

Trust in God - Let Him Find You

Trust in God. Let your soul find its rest in God. Find The Woman’s Place. Proverbs 18:22 says that it’s the man who finds the wife—not the wife who finds the man! He, who finds a wife, finds a good thing. Girl, you are the good thing waiting to be found, and if you’re "looking," then it might be awhile before you’re found.

Rachel and Ruth are two women who model God’s heart in being found by a man. Boaz noticed (he had vision) Ruth gleaning in his field. Any man that steps into an arena with a woman initiator has limited vision. You want a man with vision— trust me, you really do! What did he notice about her? That she was submitted and guess what…that she wanted to serve him.

What To Do?

A woman in the Woman's Place must first get her thinking renewed. What she thinks about her situation needs to line up with what God thinks about it. If the two don’t "match" then she’ll tend to operate out of control, manipulation, and intimidation as she subtlety seeks to get "what she wants-when she wants it." Women are good at "working it."

Next, it’s important for her to guard her heart. Right thinking about her life must lead. If "how she feels" leads she will be led into chaos.

Then, she needs to be gut level honest with God about how she does "feel." And, in that honesty, she needs to remember that this is His business in preparing her as a Bride. He has IT in perfect control—so if she’s trying to control IT—she needs to stop it and trust Him with IT. This is all about God and knowing Him and His ways.

Next, she needs to practice waiting for him (even if it takes 5, 10, 15 years). This all has to do with God’s timetable. In the waiting, she needs to get busy discovering her own dreams, passions, and gifts.

If she has children in her home, she needs to understand that THEY are her first priority. A bride in waiting needs to get to know her children in new ways. She should discover their gifts, encourage them in what they are a good at, and even prod them to try new things.

A bride in waiting does well when she models for her children what being a mother of prayer looks like. I always encourage the bride in waiting to work on manners and etiquette with her children.

I always suggest that she begin to implement the Power of the Table Principle. I encourage the bride in waiting to take walks with her children and build them up in the faith. What she says and does models much. I encourage her to pray with them about God giving her a husband and them a father. It’s also the time for her to lead in some talk about their fears, desires, hurts, longs, etc. It’s also a time to evaluate the degree of respect that is in her home.

Developing the Spiritual Habit of Sanctuary Journaling

Next, every bride in waiting needs to develop the habit of Sanctuary Journaling. The purpose of Sanctuary Journaling is to create a safe place where the feminine soul can express itself. There are no rules for journaling... just let whatever is in the soul pour out.

Sometimes journaling can help dump out the toxins in the soul. Other times Sanctuary Journaling releases expressions of dreams and desires hidden in the soul. Thoughts, attitudes, and deep feelings about life or relationships will be recognized through journaling. Sanctuary Journaling is an instrument of confession that is done in a quiet place—a place that’s your Sanctuary.

Sanctuary is that place a woman nurtures her relationship with God. It’s the place where she communes with Him about her relationship with others, about life, or whatever is on her heart. When she journals in the Sanctuary, she is able to track the Spirit of God’s work in her lives as she moves toward change and holiness.

It’s key for a bride in waiting to take a look (with the Lord and a trusted, listening girlfriend) at some of the mistakes she’s made. These kinds of questions should be answered:

What unhealthy patterns of relating does she operate out of?

Is she seductive?

Does she flirt?

How does she dress?

Is she withdrawn?

Is she obsessing about a man?

Other questions like these should be answered while the Bride waits in The Woman's Place:

What are some fears?

What does she do with the loneliness?

What is her inner life like?

Is there order in her home?

Is she bitter?

Is she honest?

Is she self-protective?

Does she love God and desire holiness enough to ask a girl friend to share with her the areas that she sees which she might be blinded to?

Is she open to an honest evaluation of unhealthy ways she might be relating to men, her children, and others?

God is Preparing Every Bride for a Day

What God is ultimately doing is preparing "the bride in waiting" for another wedding day. He’s getting her ready for THAT Day. The THAT Day, which I am referring to goes beyond a wedding day.

It’s the day where we all will stand before Jesus—at the Judgment Seat of Christ and answer for our attitudes and motives and behaviors of our hearts. Whatever was not done with a pure motive will be judged by fire—whatever is left (gold, silver) will be presented to our LORD (1 Corinthians 3: 12—16).

The book of Matthew says that all our idle words will be judged as well. More good questions for every woman ought to ask are:

Are our lips leaky with grumbling and complaining about the season that any of us are in?

Are we critical or jealous of other women?

Is our heart hardening because our timetable is different than God’s?

Have we placed ourselves in the judgment seat of how our life should be run?

If a bride in waiting is feeling desperate in wanting to get married it would be wisdom for her to evaluate her motive in wanting to have a man. In the company of good listening (not fixing) friends, she has to make it her life to trust Jesus for her future.

I always encourage waiting brides to learn NOW to trust Jesus, His ways and to practice becoming what I call a 1 Peter 3 Woman. Every woman, a married bride, or a bride in waiting must learn to walk in purity, godliness, and trust.

According to 2 Peter 1:3 God has given all of us everything we need for life and godliness. We have His power to be a 1 Peter 3 Woman. Although 1 Peter 3 is written to wives, it is for every woman.

Verse 3 says that our beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes (this isn’t saying that our appearance shouldn’t be as neat and lovely as possible). Instead, it should be that of our inner beauty, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Inner Beauty Has Power to Change Everything

As a woman, did you know that inner beauty has the power to change the world? Developing inner beauty promotes peace in our soul and it brings peace to others. Inner beauty begins to develop when our priority focus is not on our outward appearance (although this is important) or on the circumstances, that surrounds us, but on the character, that God wants to build within our feminine soul.

Putting our hope in God and not giving way to fear is the key to developing this inner beauty. In 1 Peter, Chapter 3, Verse 5, Peter discloses the secret way the holy women made themselves look beautiful. Their inner beauty came from putting their hope in God. Hope in God was their strength. And, hope in God is our strength, too.

As a bride in waiting, when your hope is in God and what He will do, how can you continue to be fearful in your present circumstance? You must be encouraged to hope in God, by looking to Him to provide the love, security, and joy especially during those times when others aren’t or when others fail you.

The Prince on the White Horse – Will Fall Off

As a bride in waiting, if you think that your future husband will be your prince on the white horse, meeting all your desires and emotional needs, you’ll be in for a rude awakening. This cannot be your goal.

When a woman makes it her goal to get her emotional needs met through a man, she’ll end up controlling or manipulating him. When those needs are met through him, she can rejoice and thank God, but when they aren’t her love relationship with her Lord can and will provide her with the fulfillment she longs for. Hope wanes when she pins it on a man. In other words, she must ultimately look to Jesus for those emotional needs to be met and not demand that others meet them.

Understanding the difference between a goal and a desire is also helpful A goal is something for which you take full responsibility. A desire is something you pray about. So, if this is a season of singleness for you, be renewed in the spirit of your mind—reminding yourself that God is in total control of your situation and He knows your heart’s desires.

Stop Giving Yourself to a Weak Man - Stop the Sex

Why in the world would you want to give yourself to a man who doesn't want you for a wife? Please precious woman . . . consecrate your "fleshly pulls" to the Lord, let character be developed in you while you wait.

Tell the Lord the truth about how you feel. And. . .

Practice the Spiritual Habit of Sanctuary Journaling.

Work on developing inner beauty.

Do not pursue a man.

Let him find you.

Seek to become a 1 Peter 3 Woman.

Hope in God and make it your goal to let the Lord meet your emotional needs until God brings that man your way.

Stay in close fellowship with some older women (whether older spiritually or in years or both) who will mentor you through your season of singleness.

To the Older Woman

And, to the older Titus 2 woman, take the initiation to invite the single women (in your fellowship) into a mentoring relationship. You don’t have to be an expert, you just need to "be there" and according to Titus 2 you need to model some important characteristics and be sound in scripture (Titus 2). And, encourage them to pray Power Prayers for the Mighty Man in the Making that God just might bring their way!

Trusting God with Your Life to Be a Wife

http://lylahledner.blogspot.com/2007/11/trusting-god-with-your-life-to-be-wife.html