Thursday, August 07, 2008

understanding men - part 3

Today's subject in the mini series Understanding Men is on the angry man.

Angry Men and Unhealthy Mom Attachments
If a father is angry, silent and passive and doesn’t understand God’s instructions, then what does he pass on to his son? What biblical instruction will he model?

The son of an angry, passive and silent father is at risk for developing unhealthy attachments to mom. Unhealthy mom attachments can set a son up to be an angry adult man often one who struggles with some sort of sexual addiction and even for homosexuality.

According to the The Angry Man by Stephen Arterburn, Paul Meier, and David Stoop (Minierth-Meier New Life Clinics) angry men are men who are distant from dad and who are still trying to “break away” from mom.

A man who is dealing with unhealthy mom attachments will struggle with anger. I’ve observed that when a man is angry, it’s often related to his lack of feeling respected. If a man is still attached to mom, there will be no sense of respect within him. If a man hasn’t had a safe place to unravel his unhealthy mom attachments, he will act out the anger he feels toward mom on women emotionally close to him.

When a dad doesn’t help his son break from mom, a quiet rage begins to seep from the son particularly toward the women in his world. A son's issue with mom is often rooted in a son's wound inflicted by dad. It’s amazing how it usually always will eventually be rooted back to dad. Even a woman’s defenseless and alone feelings will often emanate from wounds inflicted by her father.

According to The Angry Man, some of the issues the angry man struggles with are lust and addiction to pornography. The link between the angry man and lust goes directly back to his relationship with mom. Because dad did not, with controlled and gentle natural aggression, pull the boy away from his mom, she continues to mother.

A mom who is mothering an older son who hasn’t been pulled away from her by his father, or another emotionally close male figure, is not really mothering him, she is unknowingly smothering him. And, smothering is another way to say controlling.

When this happens, the adolescent man will seek something outside himself to control or lash out at, because his emotional inner being is compromised and confused.

Mom, unwittingly, prevented entitlement to manhood, and dad allowed her do to it. Therefore, the son's entitled and deserved natural demands manifest in lust for deviant emotional ties beyond themselves.

Again, according to The Angry Man, “a man struggling with pornography has to deal with those feelings about mother – before the waters of lust can be calmed, keeping in mind that dad’s still a part of it. Dad didn’t protect his son. Dad was passive. Mom was smothering – controlling, and in dad’s passivity in having thrown the towel down, she picked it up and led the family.”

In Part 4 on Monday, I'll address: A Boy Must Identify with Dad’s Male Role

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Mrs. Sidney said...


Lylah said...

yup! :-) feel free to post this series on your blog.

Mrs. Querido said...

You just gave me new insight into my father...

He was always angry. And he had several affairs before we all found out about it. Mom divorced him accordingly. He was always emotionally distant. I haven't spoken to him for almost four years. He was toxic to the emotional well being of my children and me. He doesn't even know he has a granddaughter.

My mother remarried a wonderful, sweet man. But we all bear the emotional scars of growing up with an angry, depressed man.

I am SOOOO grateful to God that I didn't marry someone like my father. The likelihood that I would have was great, but God had other BETTER plans for me! My husband is a complete polar opposite of my dad and he has taught me so much about masculine love and attention. Something I craved from my dad but was denied.

There is still a lot of hurt, but slowly I am allowing Jesus to heal it.

Thanks for posting this...

Luke said...

Very interesting stuff. This is the kind of stuff I think is largely overlooked when helping men with their lust issues (of course, as long as we don't excuse a man's actions because his upbringing).

Luke said...

Oh, one more thing . . . I noticed you are a pastor's wife. I work for a ministry called Covenant Eyes which helps people find accountability for their Internet use so they can stay away from the temptation to view pornography online. Tens of thousands or people and hundreds of churches use our software and resources. If you would be interested in getting more information, please let me know. I can send you some brochures about Covenant Eyes or you can visit our website at

Lylah said...

luke - thanks so much for your comments! blessings on u and the work that u do.

A Good Husband said...

I've worked with Luke on a few blog posts about overcoming pornography. He's a great resource, very knowledgeable.

I've a strange relationship with my biological father - I never knew him, but I met my three biological siblings three years ago. It was a strange healing experience. I'm not really close to them, but it helped to meet them and get to feel like I knew my dad a little better.

Melissa said...

I think God really annointed you to give women the message behind stuff like this. Sometimes I am at awe at things men, (okay, my husband does). I just gotta give him over to the Lord and help love him in the way he needs me to love him.

Thanks for this series!

In Christ's Love,

Melissa said...

I dunno how else to say this, but I honestly believe God anointed you to write this series. I have been praying about this area for my husband and my understanding. I go to a group called Celebrate Recovery that deals with these types of issues, but wishes and knows in God's time my husband will find his pathway to getting stuff right in his life. I love him so. I just have to let him know more and more.